The Wait

The wait changed who I am. It changed my very being.

There were days I did not get out of my bed or a week where I barely left my house. I was without purpose. I drifted emotionally. I would sobbed my heart out to my poor husband. Sometimes I would scream and yell at him. And then there are times where he did it back. We're both loud passionate people. We needed to blow off steam. This was HARD.

My life felt so disconnect from what I wanted it to be. It was difficult for me to function in it as it was. I do feel like I did my best during that time. I wish that my best had been better. I wish I could have been cheery and peaceful. Maybe that was an unrealistic expectation to put on myself or maybe not. I don't know. I did go through a sort of cyclic pattern. I would be fine - happy even! lol - then I would get depressed, then I would rage and/or cry hard - then I'd be fine again for awhile.... It was like a constant grief pattern - except the situation didn't end so I just kept starting over again.

Most people don't wait so long. It was nearly 3 years of active adoption profile showing. And Leah was born exactly one week before our 8th wedding anniversary. Remember how I posted that we started trying to have a child three WEEKS after we got married? So we were one month shy of 8 years of wanting a child.

Hope became a thing of pain. There was no peace from this ever present ache I felt in my heart and mind. There was no escape from it.

I got a degree in Math. I guess that counts for something. I took lots of different kinds of classes. I figured if I didn't have my babies yet I would become a mentally more well-rounded momma. I took music classes (voice and theory), photography, English lit classes, Native American women writers, things like that - I stretched myself along with taking 17 math classes. I read, I studied. I read about adoption. I spent a lot of time on forums. I wanted to learn. To know everything I could know that would make me a better mommy.

But the wait was so hard. I honestly cannot find the words to express the depth of the pain I felt some days. There were moments I literally thought I would not & could not continue to breathe. It was too painful to take my next breath.

Often all I would think about why Heavenly Father would place me on this earth - as the person I am - with this intense desire to be a mother - and then have me battle infertility. That's was a struggle for me. I think I've come to terms with it now.

But I made it through. I feel like that was a fire that refined my being.

I am a better mother than I would have been at 22. No doubt. Drew is a better father. He is kinder and more patient. And he loves our baby girl so much sometimes I can see the ache of it in his eyes. He is constantly saying "Did you see that? She is so cute!" (Mind you she's doing something like trying to stuff a sock in her ear when he says these things - he loves everything she does.)

Some day maybe I'll find better words for this experience.

It is difficult to take my mind back to that place. I can feel the tension in my body as I write this post. It's going to take me awhile to relax after I get done with this post. I will hug our precious girl and know that everything feels like it is just as it should be now.

PS - I've mentioned Leah sleeping here with us. We're a cosleeping family. If you don't know what that is just google it. I'm sure it will come up in my blogging at some point.