My perception of myself is seriously not something I normally give a lot of thought to.
It's not that I'm not self-aware. I really am. I just feel like it has a relatively unimportant place in my life. It's something I feel like people get so wrapped up in - over analyze it - analyze it death. Then they end up all wrapped up in themselves. What good does that do anyone, kwim?
So this week I had this odd experience. Drew comes home from work and says there was a big group of men at work talking about me. WHAT?
Someone asked Drew about me - and someone else asks who I am. And they start talking about how I'm the red headed woman who works is always at the store because she's a vendor. And apparently, all the sudden they are - "That's YOUR wife?"
"If I was half the age I wish I was, I'd take her home." (said by old guy - I thought that one was funny)
And other things about my being attractive and stuff. I, seriously, cannot type them. So freaking embarrassing.
Now, when I'm in the store and a man walks by I'm thinking "Is that a railroader? Don't look at me!" (I'm so mental. Did you know that?)
I'm so seriously NOT bragging. This was very disconcerting for me. I don't think about people looking at me normally. Anyone really - male or female. I'm just going about my business in my daily life. I very very rarely get "ready" when I go to the store in the morning. I never have on make-up. My hair is always in a bun.
The fact that anyone in the world sees me and finds me attractive is weird to me. I mean - ugh. I don't think I'm hideous or anything. I think I look nice when I do my hair, etc. but nothin' special.
I don't know why I'm typing this out. I told you I'm mental!
***
Then today at church there was a lesson about loving yourself. And I was thinking about a couple months ago when I was going through pictures and said to Drew "I hate my hair in this picture." and Leah came running over. "What, mommy? You don't like yourself in that picture?" And I thought OH MY GOSH! I can NEVER again say something negative about myself out loud in front of Leah. I don't want her to learn negative self-talk from me!
Only one other time I was stepping off the scale (ew) as she came in the room and she heard me say UGH. "What's the matter, mommy?" I told her nothing and changed the subject.
Anyway, it has been good for me. Forcing myself to control the negative things that come out of my mouth about myself.
If we let it guide us our children sure can make us better people!
***
I don't know about this other incident though. Drew said no one was horribly disrespectful because at first I was like "Am I supposed to be offended?" I wasn't flattered - but mostly because I can't figure out what it means.
I guess logically it's supposed to mean there are other men in the world who think I'm attractive besides Drew.
Interesting. Freaky.
Don't stop reading because you think I'm crazy now, okay?