Extraordinary Stromal Decidualization

Now that’s a blog post title if I’ve ever seen one! Try not to be jealous that you’ve never been quite so clever, k?
 
Ha. I’m funny.

So – that’s what I have. Not cancer (yay!) Well really extraordinary is not part of the title. That’s just what the nurse said to me when she called. I thought it was part of the title but apparently it was just a description of how badly I have Stromal Decidualization.

This isn’t so common that there is a layman term for it. It’s in fact apparently quite uncommon. Lucky me. It’s a wonder I don’t win the lottery. Maybe if I start buying tickets…

Anyway, I’m trying to come up with my own name for it. Let me know if you have any brilliant ideas.

Also, because it’s not particularly common, there isn’t a lot of easy reading to do about it when you Google it. In fact, there isn’t much of anything. And what is there is all thick medical text. The only thing the nurse said that stayed with me was “we only ever see this in people who have multiple miscarriages”. Right. Well… that would be me.

So I’ll summarize what I learned from the various medical articles I read and share some links – just in case some other woman stumbles across this blog googling for things about stromal decidualization! Don’t feel as if you have to go read all this rather boring material!

First – in case you don’t know me well or haven’t been reading my (rather inactive these days) blog for very long. I have had many, many miscarriages. I’ve never known why. I’ve just always known that I can get pregnant fairly easily but I cannot stay pregnant. I literally lost count how many miscarriages. I know that sounds morbid but at some point it was easier not to count, not to take a test, to just know I’d had one and move on.

Part 1:

Decidua is the term for the uterine lining (endometrium) during a pregnancy, which forms the maternal part of the placenta. It is formed under the influence of progesterone and forms highly-characteristic cells.

After ovulation, in mammals, the endometrial lining becomes transformed into a secretory lining in preparation of accepting the embryo. Without implantation, the secretory lining will be absorbed (estrous cycle) or shed (menstrual cycle).

With implantation the lining now termed decidua evolves further during the pregnancy.
Got all that? Once you’re pregnant the decidua thing starts (that’s the root of my issue – and the root of the word. ha! I’m funny. Really. I am. You’re supposed to be laughing now…)

Part 2:

FYI: Stroma (animal tissue), the connective, functionally supportive framework of a biological cell, tissue, or organ

The decidua has a histologically-distinct appearance, displaying large polygonal decidual cells in the stroma. These are enlarged endometrial stromal cells.

Formation of a specialized decidua is called decidualization, which is a special property of endometrium seen only in placentation.

Placentation refers to the formation, type and structure, or arrangement of placentas.

Are you following me here? Sorry. I know this is thick.

So my uterus (heretofore referred to as: Hazardous Waste or HW for short) is full of placenta cells. 14 years worth of miscarriages and build up from them.

One of the ironies of this situation? My body doesn’t do anything right and I’ve been known to say many times – at least it knows how to miscarry and I don’t have to have D&Cs. HA. Apparently I was mistaken.

So that’s the beginning of that. I get pregnant. My body starts making placenta. I miscarry but it doesn’t get rid of the placental cells.

Now…

http://molehr.oxfordjournals.org/content/16/12/886.full – there is also this related article that my friend Renee found when she was googling with me.

This one. I don’t know. It threw me for a loop. I honestly felt like I would ask Heavenly Father when I died… “So what was up with all the miscarriages, eh?” And that’s exactly when I expected to find out.

But alas – this article tells me why.

Super Fertility. For real? I also often say when talking about my infertility: I’m the most fertile infertile woman ever. It’s ridiculous how easily I get pregnant. RIDICULOUS.

The article says: In our clinical experience, however, many women with RPL, especially those who have experienced many consecutive losses, report exceptionally high pregnancy rates.

No kidding. Huh. Oh RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

Also from the article:

Superfertility in humans is currently only an anecdotal concept without obvious clinical connotations. Even in a broader biological context, superfertility is a rare phenomenon, ascribed only to certain breeds of sheep.

Seriously? This might be morbid but that made me laugh hard. OF COURSE whatever perfectly describes me would be something only proven in certain breeds of sheep. OF COURSE. Baa Baa. That’s me.

If you want to read the article, feel free. It’s long and thick but you’ll see the discussion about it’s relationship to decidualization.

Clearly, it’s nothing I can totally confirm but it so perfectly matches all the things that have happened to me and then the end result that I have – it seems fairly obvious.

So what’s the solution? When the nurse called me she said at minimum I needed a D&C to clean everything out. I told her – I don’t want that. NO NO NO. Please just take it out.

She said that I would have to discuss that with the doctor but she seriously doubted he would be opposed.

So today I was supposed to have an appointment to discuss it but between him being a baby doctor and being late for everything (babies never come when they are told!) and Drew’s work schedule – blah blah blah. It just wasn’t going to happen today. (I have to drive 100 miles to the appointment). So I asked could I discuss it with him on the phone. His nurse called me again later (same woman) and she said – are you really sure you want a hysterectomy? Yes. I’m sure. Very sure.

(Please. I have two children. And neither one of them involved my stupid malfunctioning uterus)

She said okay then. Let’s have you come in on July 11th and change it to a preop appointment.

Okie Dokie! I’m on board for that.

I’m excited to have it over. I’m  nervous as all heck for the actual doing of the thing. For the weeks after when I’m not supposed to lift over 20 lbs (Hannah weighs 22 lbs). That kind of thing. Spending the night in the hospital away from Hannah. I haven’t spent a night away from her yet. I know she’s 15  months old and she’ll be okay in the long run but I wish I wasn’t doing that to her yet.

Oh and we’re in the middle of moving. I guess that’s one way to get out of lifting heavy boxes…

Sometimes I Cry.

Okay that's probably a bit of an understatement. I'm a cry baby but that's not really my point...

Today we went to Leah's Thanksgiving Preschool Lunch. The kids stood up front and sang two songs to us. All 3-5 year old children, lined up in one long line.

The songs both had motions. Leah was SO into it. She was so happy and so enjoying what she was doing. Shame one me for not bringing my camera. I don't think I've ever seen her so into something. The pure happy on her face while they performed that song.... Ya. I cried.

And every now and then I have these moments... these... "Oh my gosh. I'm a MOM!" moments. And they totally overwhelm me when it happens.

There was so much longing, for so many years.

And now every once in a while in the day-to-day life of being a mother, these moments smack into me for a minute. And I feel like I can't breathe for a second and then I cry.

I love being a mommy.

Clingy Part 2

She's still clingy. Just in case you were wondering....

No really. That's not what I was going to talk about. lol

Last night Drew & I talked about it and I was really upset (she was sleeping). Upset about how to handle it, upset about what's going on in her head, upset about how he hasn't been home for a whole day in forever and that's taking a toll on Leah and I. Just Bleh.

But Drew is a good sounding board and as we talked about Leah and how she's feeling and I was crying and he was soothing me and asking why I was so upset and pointing out I wasn't even breathing right.

And as I'm babbling, something comes to the surface... I can't fix it.

Oh. My. Gosh.

So then for a minute I sob into his chest.

"I can't fix it. I'm the mommy, I'm supposed to fix it. I can't fix it."

Her little heart has realized that some things in the world are not safe. She has to have this realization but it's a realization that can never be taken back. Once you know, you can't "un"know it right? It makes me ultra sad.

I can only comfort but I cannot take it away or fix it. It's done.

So there's the gist of my angst. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to work my way around to what's upsetting me about something - but there it is.

She's just hit upon something I can't make better.

Ouch.

Well, that and the constant clingy-ness. lol But that's easier to deal with when I've recognized my own angst in the situation.

Whew.

Sweet Moment? Not!

I have all kinds of deeper blog posts floating around in my head but I'm too tired to focus. So this is it for today.

I decided to lay down with Leah to read before her nap.

After we were done, we were just chatting about her turning 3 next week, her party, etc. She was laying facing away from me on her bed and I said,

"Leah, look at me."

She rolls over, looks me in the eye, and says "Ya, mommy?"

"These three years since you were born have been the best three years of my life."

....

Leah says...

"Okay."

And rolls back over.

Sweet, huh?

I guess those deep moments are lost on my little almost 3 year old. ;)

Conversations

Lately talking to Leah has become a blast. She's like a PERSON who can have actual conversations with me! LOL

Today she was standing in the seat part of a grocery cart & was refusing to sit. I told her if she didn't I would have to buckle her in. I also took something she was playing with (I forget what it was). After I had her sitting & buckled she said to me...

"I'm so mad at you. SO mad!" (while waving her arms in the air to accentuate her point)

I nearly lost it. I just grinned at her. I didn't want to laugh out loud because what if it hurt her feelings?? But instead she starting laughing to so it diffused the moment. But MAN that was funny!

Then a little while later she had my notebook and...

Leah: I want a pen.

Me: I don't have a pen, baby.

Leah: Papa Howard does! (in a very teenager "you're an idiot" kind of voice)

Me (laughing): Oh really?

**Side Note: Papa Howard is my biodad. He is the manager of the meat department in the store.

Leah (yelling at the top of her lungs): PAPA HOWARD! PAPA HOWARD! PAPA HOWARD!

Leah (to me): He not answering me!

Me: He can't hear you from here.

Leah: Oh.

About 10 minutes later as we approach the meat department she spots him and begins yelling again. I was laughing so hard he came over to see what was going on. I told him - he immediately whips a pen out & gives it to her. LOL

The whole thing was hysterical.

Every day with this girl is SUCH a treat!

Blog Reading & The Park

Do you sometimes read so many other blogs & forums that your computer time is up before you post on your own blog?

That's what keeps happening to me. Or leah has just decided I should be done.

We took her to the park yesterday because it got up over 50 degrees. 51 even! ha ha

She hated the sand. Just after this picture:

She fell forward & FREAKED when her hands touched the sand. It was not a welcom sensation. We'll try again in a few days. Hopefully we have another day that is warm enough. Here's her looking like a diva in her stroller:




She didn't love the swing so much either - which is funny because she loves to swing WITH me but she didn't like doing it alone. Interestingly she LOVED seeing the other kids swing. She was squealing and yelling in delight watching them.

On the way home we passed a house with a small dog in the yard. Leah loves animals normally and she got excited at first but then the dog came charging (fenced yard) and was barking this horrible angry bark and I heard a cry from Leah I had never heard before. SHEER TERROR.

I never want to hear that again. It was awful. It was a very quick moment because I started to run to push the cart passed that yard as fast as we could. And although internally I was freaking out I went around to the front of the stroller and was very calm & calmed her down quickly and we started walking again. I didn't want it to seem like I thought it was a huge deal to her, kwim?

Later when Drew & I were talking about it he said he was surprised at the feeling that came over him when she cried like that. He said it broke his heart & gave him the feeling he could snap that dog's neck all at the same time. My husband is a pretty gentle man so that's saying something!

Parenthood is somethin' else!

Holding your baby...

I was thinking yesterday about why it's different to hold your own baby/child than to hold someone else's.

There's the obvious emotional connection, etc. but a new idea occurred to me.

Leah knows my body so well.

When I'm holding another child it can take them a minute to get comfy. To figure out how to snuggle into me.

Leah doesn't need this time or even a split second. When I pick her up her body instantly molds into mine. When she is sleeping - she will reach out in her sleep and wrap her arm around my neck or snuggle with her back to me & her head on my arm. She never opens her eyes or anything. She just knows where she fits against me instinctively.

I love that.

I love my daughter. I love her connectedness to me. I love that her physical connection to me is a thing of "instinct" and requires no squirming to get comfy.