The Balloons

This is a place Drew says he used to come to sometimes as a teenager when he wanted to be alone and sit by the river. It’s about 15 miles outside of town.

Yes, Wyoming already looks like winter. I know you were thinking that… In fact it was pouring rain as we left town and got on the interstate and just as we pulled up to the river it stopped raining. Just a stray rain drop now and then.

This is what 60 balloons looks like in a bunch (that’s a rain drop on the picture).

My friend at the store that did the balloons (she’s the floral department manager) put in one “It’s a Girl” balloon and one “It’s a Boy” balloon. I was surprised how right that felt. It was a great idea.

I took the balloons from Drew and held them all at once. He put his arms around me and said a prayer. Then I pulled the balloons more down around me. For just a minute they were all around me and I stood there and cried. Then I started letting them go one at a time.

Just as we got back in the car and started to drive away again, it started pouring. It felt like an acknowledgement from Heavenly Father of what we were doing there. It was very sweet.

I’m amazed at how much better I feel having done that. Lighter some how.

I ordered the fabric to make the quilt right before we left. I have a poem that’s going to go on the back of it in the corner. I found this image of it the other day…

Extraordinary Stromal Decidualization

Now that’s a blog post title if I’ve ever seen one! Try not to be jealous that you’ve never been quite so clever, k?
 
Ha. I’m funny.

So – that’s what I have. Not cancer (yay!) Well really extraordinary is not part of the title. That’s just what the nurse said to me when she called. I thought it was part of the title but apparently it was just a description of how badly I have Stromal Decidualization.

This isn’t so common that there is a layman term for it. It’s in fact apparently quite uncommon. Lucky me. It’s a wonder I don’t win the lottery. Maybe if I start buying tickets…

Anyway, I’m trying to come up with my own name for it. Let me know if you have any brilliant ideas.

Also, because it’s not particularly common, there isn’t a lot of easy reading to do about it when you Google it. In fact, there isn’t much of anything. And what is there is all thick medical text. The only thing the nurse said that stayed with me was “we only ever see this in people who have multiple miscarriages”. Right. Well… that would be me.

So I’ll summarize what I learned from the various medical articles I read and share some links – just in case some other woman stumbles across this blog googling for things about stromal decidualization! Don’t feel as if you have to go read all this rather boring material!

First – in case you don’t know me well or haven’t been reading my (rather inactive these days) blog for very long. I have had many, many miscarriages. I’ve never known why. I’ve just always known that I can get pregnant fairly easily but I cannot stay pregnant. I literally lost count how many miscarriages. I know that sounds morbid but at some point it was easier not to count, not to take a test, to just know I’d had one and move on.

Part 1:

Decidua is the term for the uterine lining (endometrium) during a pregnancy, which forms the maternal part of the placenta. It is formed under the influence of progesterone and forms highly-characteristic cells.

After ovulation, in mammals, the endometrial lining becomes transformed into a secretory lining in preparation of accepting the embryo. Without implantation, the secretory lining will be absorbed (estrous cycle) or shed (menstrual cycle).

With implantation the lining now termed decidua evolves further during the pregnancy.
Got all that? Once you’re pregnant the decidua thing starts (that’s the root of my issue – and the root of the word. ha! I’m funny. Really. I am. You’re supposed to be laughing now…)

Part 2:

FYI: Stroma (animal tissue), the connective, functionally supportive framework of a biological cell, tissue, or organ

The decidua has a histologically-distinct appearance, displaying large polygonal decidual cells in the stroma. These are enlarged endometrial stromal cells.

Formation of a specialized decidua is called decidualization, which is a special property of endometrium seen only in placentation.

Placentation refers to the formation, type and structure, or arrangement of placentas.

Are you following me here? Sorry. I know this is thick.

So my uterus (heretofore referred to as: Hazardous Waste or HW for short) is full of placenta cells. 14 years worth of miscarriages and build up from them.

One of the ironies of this situation? My body doesn’t do anything right and I’ve been known to say many times – at least it knows how to miscarry and I don’t have to have D&Cs. HA. Apparently I was mistaken.

So that’s the beginning of that. I get pregnant. My body starts making placenta. I miscarry but it doesn’t get rid of the placental cells.

Now…

http://molehr.oxfordjournals.org/content/16/12/886.full – there is also this related article that my friend Renee found when she was googling with me.

This one. I don’t know. It threw me for a loop. I honestly felt like I would ask Heavenly Father when I died… “So what was up with all the miscarriages, eh?” And that’s exactly when I expected to find out.

But alas – this article tells me why.

Super Fertility. For real? I also often say when talking about my infertility: I’m the most fertile infertile woman ever. It’s ridiculous how easily I get pregnant. RIDICULOUS.

The article says: In our clinical experience, however, many women with RPL, especially those who have experienced many consecutive losses, report exceptionally high pregnancy rates.

No kidding. Huh. Oh RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

Also from the article:

Superfertility in humans is currently only an anecdotal concept without obvious clinical connotations. Even in a broader biological context, superfertility is a rare phenomenon, ascribed only to certain breeds of sheep.

Seriously? This might be morbid but that made me laugh hard. OF COURSE whatever perfectly describes me would be something only proven in certain breeds of sheep. OF COURSE. Baa Baa. That’s me.

If you want to read the article, feel free. It’s long and thick but you’ll see the discussion about it’s relationship to decidualization.

Clearly, it’s nothing I can totally confirm but it so perfectly matches all the things that have happened to me and then the end result that I have – it seems fairly obvious.

So what’s the solution? When the nurse called me she said at minimum I needed a D&C to clean everything out. I told her – I don’t want that. NO NO NO. Please just take it out.

She said that I would have to discuss that with the doctor but she seriously doubted he would be opposed.

So today I was supposed to have an appointment to discuss it but between him being a baby doctor and being late for everything (babies never come when they are told!) and Drew’s work schedule – blah blah blah. It just wasn’t going to happen today. (I have to drive 100 miles to the appointment). So I asked could I discuss it with him on the phone. His nurse called me again later (same woman) and she said – are you really sure you want a hysterectomy? Yes. I’m sure. Very sure.

(Please. I have two children. And neither one of them involved my stupid malfunctioning uterus)

She said okay then. Let’s have you come in on July 11th and change it to a preop appointment.

Okie Dokie! I’m on board for that.

I’m excited to have it over. I’m  nervous as all heck for the actual doing of the thing. For the weeks after when I’m not supposed to lift over 20 lbs (Hannah weighs 22 lbs). That kind of thing. Spending the night in the hospital away from Hannah. I haven’t spent a night away from her yet. I know she’s 15  months old and she’ll be okay in the long run but I wish I wasn’t doing that to her yet.

Oh and we’re in the middle of moving. I guess that’s one way to get out of lifting heavy boxes…

Infertility

Woohoo, eh? I haven't written about that topic for some time! But this month it's at the forefront of my mind.

In case you haven't been reading my blog a long time - I have miscarriages. I can get pregnant fairly easily but I can't stay pregnant. That's my infertility story.

I don't know for sure how many miscarriages I've had. I lost count at some point. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's just true. It's a lot.

But it's hard to keep track because there are months like this particular month. This week I just had. Where I am certain because of all the signs at symptoms that I was pregnant and I miscarried but I don't ever take a test. What would be the point? It's incredibly painful. My periods are painful anyway but this is different. And the recovery from it is different. My body takes longer to recover than it takes from a normal period.

Anyway, that was not why I was writing this post but it was necessary to backtrack a little.

When I talk about this to you (anyone) I am fairly nonchalant. I've had a lot of them I say. I'm used to it. I say that too. And I *am* used to it to a certain extent. There is not the damage to my soul like the first miscarriage I had. The first time I knew I was pregnant (3 tests later - I didn't believe it) and then a week later when I lost it. It ripped me apart. That forever changed me.

THAT particular thing doesn't happen now. And sometimes I even get through it feeling relatively emotionally unscathed. (physically is something else). My feelings about wanting to be pregnant are ambivalent - nearly nonexistent. My feelings about wanting to mother more children are separated and looking towards adoption. I really am at a healthy place I think - as far as that goes. (Let's not get carried away. I'm still crazy!)

But sometimes - just every now and then - I grieve again. My heart aches for the babies I haven't born and the losses that have passed through me. A little piece of my heart and soul is torn every time and has to heal. It is painful and exhausting.

So this week - tonight - I'm grieving. It's not been a great week. Drew had to work when it started and he drove me the hour to my mother's house so I wouldn't be alone with Leah. Mom was wonderful and took care of me - and most importantly took care of Leah. I drugged myself and slept a lot. Mom made great food - and if you read this blog at all you know how I love great food!

He came back and got us to bring me back. We're home again now and Drew is at work again. I wish he was here - having the man I love more than anything in the world hold me now sounds wonderfully appealing. I'm having a weepy night (clear from this post). I went and got Leah from her bed and put her in my bed. She's all cuddled against me as I type this.

I love my child with all my heart and very truly would trade nothing I've suffered in waiting for her arrival in my life. Getting to be a mother, mothering this little girl, is a balm to my soul. In the same kind of way having my husband know me and love me is. When we'd been married about three days, we were laying in bed in a little cabin in the mountains on our honeymoon, just talking and I said - laying here with you holding me - it's like I can feel my heart and soul healing just being with you - old aches and pains in my heart just falling away.

That's true of mothering too.

I love my little family!

PCOS

http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/news38.html - So I read this article today. Well, I use the term article loosely. There isn't really a ton of information there but I needed to note down the supplement. I think I might as well take it when I'm taking the clomid.

I'll do more research first though. Rest assured. lol

I'm also going to try Cinnergen to help with my blood sugar. (Did I say I have Type 2 Diabetes before?) That and the weight I'm losing should get that under control. Another forum friend (yes I have a lot of forum friends - actually this is the same one with the Clomid info) told me she knows someone who used Cinnergen and his average sugar dropped 100 points! That's insane!

So I'm going to start taking all these things to help prep my body for the chance to actually get pregnant.

I'm so scared. I don't think I can find words for how terrified I am to start trying again. It was so emotionally hard on me before. The ups & downs are so painful. Sigh.

Maybe this time won't be so bad with this perfect Leah who fills my days and nights with wonderfulness! I can only hope!

Babies

I want another baby. Or 2 or 5.

My forum friend Kathy tells me it comes from the one year itch. Maybe so. It seems like my baby is gone. I keep getting these emails from babycenter.com calling her a TODDLER. Who thinks I want to hear that????

Speaking of Kathy. She brought home a baby yesterday! We were talking on an IM on the 5th. Suddenly she says hold on. As it turns out the phone was ringing. I get on the IM:

Kathy: SW ON THE PHONE
Kathy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Then I wait for nearly half an hour staring at my computer! LOL It was a call about a baby girl that had been born that morning. She was in their own state and only 2 hours away! So the next day they got to go pick her up, meet her fmom, and come home. So cool! This is her fourth adoption. I am so over the top excited for her!!!
She's a momma of 4 now!! WOOHOO!!

Anyway - my plans for the next baby...

You know we tried for years to get pregnant. The idea of trying again is... daunting to say the least.

I learned recently from another forum friend that Clomid is sometimes given to people with a history of early recurrent miscarriages. I did not know this.

If I had the money to adopt right now, I would. I would actually rather. But we don't so I'm gonna try this Clomid thing Jan/Feb time. If it works, well, holy cow. I'll give birth. If it doesn't well just keep waiting until we can afford to adopt again.

Either way we'll be adopting again because Leah needs to not be alone in being adopted or being the only brown face in our family. In her cousins she has Mexican/CC, Spanish/CC but not any AA/CC or AA. There was going to be one (Drew's brother is adopting too) but the mom decided to parent after giving birth. I do hope they adopt transracially in the end. That's the protective mommy part of me. I don't want Leah to feel out of place in the family. I read an article forever ago about a biracial woman (AA/CC) who said that the best gift her parents ever gave her was her sister - who was also adopted and AA/CC.

I love my daughter with all of my being. However, no matter how much I love her I will never understand her experience in this world as a biracial adopted woman. I can love her through anything but I can't give her the understanding she could get from another adopted biracial woman. That's all there is to it.