Infertility

Woohoo, eh? I haven't written about that topic for some time! But this month it's at the forefront of my mind.

In case you haven't been reading my blog a long time - I have miscarriages. I can get pregnant fairly easily but I can't stay pregnant. That's my infertility story.

I don't know for sure how many miscarriages I've had. I lost count at some point. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's just true. It's a lot.

But it's hard to keep track because there are months like this particular month. This week I just had. Where I am certain because of all the signs at symptoms that I was pregnant and I miscarried but I don't ever take a test. What would be the point? It's incredibly painful. My periods are painful anyway but this is different. And the recovery from it is different. My body takes longer to recover than it takes from a normal period.

Anyway, that was not why I was writing this post but it was necessary to backtrack a little.

When I talk about this to you (anyone) I am fairly nonchalant. I've had a lot of them I say. I'm used to it. I say that too. And I *am* used to it to a certain extent. There is not the damage to my soul like the first miscarriage I had. The first time I knew I was pregnant (3 tests later - I didn't believe it) and then a week later when I lost it. It ripped me apart. That forever changed me.

THAT particular thing doesn't happen now. And sometimes I even get through it feeling relatively emotionally unscathed. (physically is something else). My feelings about wanting to be pregnant are ambivalent - nearly nonexistent. My feelings about wanting to mother more children are separated and looking towards adoption. I really am at a healthy place I think - as far as that goes. (Let's not get carried away. I'm still crazy!)

But sometimes - just every now and then - I grieve again. My heart aches for the babies I haven't born and the losses that have passed through me. A little piece of my heart and soul is torn every time and has to heal. It is painful and exhausting.

So this week - tonight - I'm grieving. It's not been a great week. Drew had to work when it started and he drove me the hour to my mother's house so I wouldn't be alone with Leah. Mom was wonderful and took care of me - and most importantly took care of Leah. I drugged myself and slept a lot. Mom made great food - and if you read this blog at all you know how I love great food!

He came back and got us to bring me back. We're home again now and Drew is at work again. I wish he was here - having the man I love more than anything in the world hold me now sounds wonderfully appealing. I'm having a weepy night (clear from this post). I went and got Leah from her bed and put her in my bed. She's all cuddled against me as I type this.

I love my child with all my heart and very truly would trade nothing I've suffered in waiting for her arrival in my life. Getting to be a mother, mothering this little girl, is a balm to my soul. In the same kind of way having my husband know me and love me is. When we'd been married about three days, we were laying in bed in a little cabin in the mountains on our honeymoon, just talking and I said - laying here with you holding me - it's like I can feel my heart and soul healing just being with you - old aches and pains in my heart just falling away.

That's true of mothering too.

I love my little family!