Blech

I came here to blog but I have changed my mind. I'm in a horrid mood. I just want to scream at someone.

Shock of all shocks.... Christmas kept me from blogging! Sheesh.

I have a whole bunch of blog posts floating around in my head.

Bipolar disorder
Grace (religious)
Leah's signing pictures
Christmas and overabundance
Christmas pics
Leah's fmom

There was something else. I just wanted to get those down so I didn't forget. Hopefully I'll be back. I have to figure out how to store all of Leah's toys in this place. Ack.

Man Bashing

Prompted by this post: http://away2me.typepad.com/away_to_me/2006/12/quit_frickin_ma.html

I promise to never bash on my husband on this blog. I pledge this to everyone who ever reads. I love my dear husband with all my heart - and no matter how mad I am at any given situation - he would be heartbroken to discover I had displayed my anger here.

And Drew - if you happen to ever come here and read... I love you.

more signs

Leah signed "help" last night! I was very excited. It's a "conceptual" one, KWIM? Not quite so straightforward as "candy" or "milk".

Of course what she wanted me to do was open a bag of caramel corn that Nana made... and I did! How could I turn her down after that??

Santa

So I'm not real big on those bawling babies on Santa's lap pictures. I've always thought it was so cruel. He's a stranger after all. There's no reason a kid should think he looks friendly. I mean - what IS all that stuff hanging on his face to a baby??

So we waited in line at our church's Christmas party. Leah was watching what happened with great interest and seemed quite happy about it all. I just keep telling myself if she seems reluctant I will NOT make her sit there. I will live without the pictures. But she was fine! Until the very moment her little butt touched his knee. She turned and looked at him up close and her little body stiffen and she looked petrified. I crouched down to pick her back up but just then Santa handed her a bag of candy and little toys...

Suddenly she leans back and melts into him. (and then everyone started laughing!) She looked at the bag for a minute. But then again she decided that she wanted the bag AND off of Santa's lap!

You can see the progression of the stories in the pictures....

NO! HELP ME!

Did you just give me a whole bag of candy??

                                             Okay Mister, this is pretty cool.

                              Mom! Get me out of here. Psst - make sure we keep the candy!

As a note when we got up this morning and came down stairs she immediately spotted the bag on the counter. Sigh. So I give it to her thinking "all that candy is wrapped, right?" Well, far be it for me to ever underestimate my one year old who careful unwrapped a big piece of chocolate covered in red foil. She didn't even tear it. How's that for fine motor skills!

Baby Signs 2

So I'm using this blog as a notepad too. And no one can complain because it's my blog.

I'm trying to make a list of all the signs Leah does.

I've gotten quite a few but I'm missing some.

Drink, No No (shakes her head as I mentioned or wiggles her pointer finger at you), Bless you (I always say bless you when she sneezes and - although it wasn't intentional - I always sort of nod quickly when I say it, KWIM? A polite nod. lol So after she sneezes or I sneeze she does a quick nod. How cute is that??).

Ugh now I've forgotten the others I was thinking of. I'll be back I'm sure!

The baby in the mirror...

Oh how we love the baby in the mirror! Let's give that baby some kisses...

And yes - after this we did her hair!

Yes & No

Leah has started shaking her head No & nodding for Yes when I aske her questions! So fun!

Snot

Okay. So it's a gross title.

Leah has been sneezing all morning. Every time she sneezes I have to go running for a kleenex. Blech. So much snot!



Well. That's disgusting, ya?

Children's Music

There is a song in our church children's songbook called "Two Little Hands"

I have two little hands folded snuggly and tight.
They are tiny and weak but they know what is right.
During all the long hours 'til daylight is through.
There is so much indeed for my two hands to do.

I had to sing that outloud to myself to remember the words.


I don't like the word WEAK in there. Probably I'm being obsessive but I don't like the message. So when I sing it I sub "indeed" for "and weak". It puts the word in there twice but I just don't care. I don't want Leah to think that any part of her is weak.

She is brilliant and strong and beautiful!

PCOS

http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/news38.html - So I read this article today. Well, I use the term article loosely. There isn't really a ton of information there but I needed to note down the supplement. I think I might as well take it when I'm taking the clomid.

I'll do more research first though. Rest assured. lol

I'm also going to try Cinnergen to help with my blood sugar. (Did I say I have Type 2 Diabetes before?) That and the weight I'm losing should get that under control. Another forum friend (yes I have a lot of forum friends - actually this is the same one with the Clomid info) told me she knows someone who used Cinnergen and his average sugar dropped 100 points! That's insane!

So I'm going to start taking all these things to help prep my body for the chance to actually get pregnant.

I'm so scared. I don't think I can find words for how terrified I am to start trying again. It was so emotionally hard on me before. The ups & downs are so painful. Sigh.

Maybe this time won't be so bad with this perfect Leah who fills my days and nights with wonderfulness! I can only hope!

Babies

I want another baby. Or 2 or 5.

My forum friend Kathy tells me it comes from the one year itch. Maybe so. It seems like my baby is gone. I keep getting these emails from babycenter.com calling her a TODDLER. Who thinks I want to hear that????

Speaking of Kathy. She brought home a baby yesterday! We were talking on an IM on the 5th. Suddenly she says hold on. As it turns out the phone was ringing. I get on the IM:

Kathy: SW ON THE PHONE
Kathy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Then I wait for nearly half an hour staring at my computer! LOL It was a call about a baby girl that had been born that morning. She was in their own state and only 2 hours away! So the next day they got to go pick her up, meet her fmom, and come home. So cool! This is her fourth adoption. I am so over the top excited for her!!!
She's a momma of 4 now!! WOOHOO!!

Anyway - my plans for the next baby...

You know we tried for years to get pregnant. The idea of trying again is... daunting to say the least.

I learned recently from another forum friend that Clomid is sometimes given to people with a history of early recurrent miscarriages. I did not know this.

If I had the money to adopt right now, I would. I would actually rather. But we don't so I'm gonna try this Clomid thing Jan/Feb time. If it works, well, holy cow. I'll give birth. If it doesn't well just keep waiting until we can afford to adopt again.

Either way we'll be adopting again because Leah needs to not be alone in being adopted or being the only brown face in our family. In her cousins she has Mexican/CC, Spanish/CC but not any AA/CC or AA. There was going to be one (Drew's brother is adopting too) but the mom decided to parent after giving birth. I do hope they adopt transracially in the end. That's the protective mommy part of me. I don't want Leah to feel out of place in the family. I read an article forever ago about a biracial woman (AA/CC) who said that the best gift her parents ever gave her was her sister - who was also adopted and AA/CC.

I love my daughter with all of my being. However, no matter how much I love her I will never understand her experience in this world as a biracial adopted woman. I can love her through anything but I can't give her the understanding she could get from another adopted biracial woman. That's all there is to it.

Wedding Ring

I haven't seen my wedding ring in about 6 months. I know I put it in some "safe place" but I can't find it. And we've moved since then. I'm finally admitting I've lost it. I may still find it but it's lost. And I'm just heartbroken. I love my ring. It's so gorgeous.

After Drew proposed to me and we went ring shopping...

Well, wait. First when he proposed he had a ring box and he put a life saver in it. A red one. Do you remember that life saver commercial when the little boy turns to the little girl, hands her a life saver, and says "we can live with my mother." So sweet.

Anyway, so we go to look at rings and the guy says to Drew "how much do you want to spend". Drew stepped away from me and whispered something to him. The guy (who was the owner) turns back to me and says "You can have whatever you want from that case." It was like a moment out of a movie. I felt like a queen.

We went through several rings and I kept trying them on and then giving them back to him. Except for one. I didn't give it back. He would hand me others and I would hand them back and finally the owner turns to Drew and says "She wants that one." And Drew's all surprised and says "You do?" Yes. Yes I did. I was in love with it.

They sized it and we came back in a couple hours and got it. Drew wouldn't let me have the wedding band though. lol Later I had them sautered (sp?) together.

I love that ring.

I wonder if I can find a similar one online and post a picture.


*Edited to add in Sept 2013: We never found this ring but realized one day through discuss about the last place I saw it that the dang ring was stolen during a move. We had a neighbor come in and help us that day. It was an apartment complex and we'd never met him. He didn't speak any English so I n ever spoke to him. Drew speaks Spanish so they were able to communicate. Drew told me the man had just gotten out of jail. Robbery and... Rape. 

Me: YOU LET THAT MAN IN MY HOUSE? Nice. 

I had taken the ring off because it was July. We were moving. I was hot. I set it on the kitchen counter. I never saw it again. So sad.

Sleep Crying

Why does my baby do this? It makes me worry.

Last night at 1:45 Leah started to sob in her sleep. The saddest cry. Tears were streaming down her little cheeks. What was wrong? What was she dreaming about?

She never opened her eyes, never woke up at all. I cuddled her up against me and she just kept crying. I tried to wake her up and she couldn't do it. I laid on my back and pulled her onto my chest - then she heaved a big sigh and stopped crying instantly.

She doesn't do it every night. Just every now and then. And it doesn't seem to be on any particular kind of day.

I hate it. It's just so sad. It makes my heart hurt to hear that particular cry.

And then she gets up in the morning and she's as cheery as ever.

Questions...

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you
thought?
Blech. You need a shower. Then I took one.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Zilch! Well, there might be some lose change in my wallet. I gave my cash to Drew for his current trip.

3. Whats a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”
Gore

4. Favorite planet?
Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Drew

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
A country song called “Baby Girl”. I love that song. I also have Savage Garden’s “I Knew I Loved Before I Met You” – that only rings when Drew calls.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
It’s actually a long nightgown I made for Drew from an African pattern for men’s gowns.

8. Do you “label” yourself?
Why would I do that?

9. Name the brand of your shoes you are currently wearing?
I’m barefoot.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
That depends entirely on my mood. I don’t like to wake up to sunlight though so my bedroom should be dark!

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I got it off a blog. I love to read her blog and I think she’s an amazing woman. http://www.thiswomanswork.com

12. What does your watch look like?
I have three watches. All the batteries are dead. I should fix that. One is a silver and gold dress watch, one is a silver dress watch but Tigger is on the clock face, the other is gold around the rim but has a leather band.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping! Not usual for me!

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Warm and toasty at wmstr (I had texted Drew to ask if he was cold & where he was - apparently he was in Wamsutter and he was okay. lol).

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
There aren’t 7-11’s here anymore. They are all called “Kum ‘n’ Go” (I think that’s a stupid name.)

16. Whats a word that you say a lot?
Sheesh!

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Drew. Just moments ago.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Drew (hehe)

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
None – in my whole life. Does that mean over the counter?? I took some Advil yesterday.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
I’m all digital baby! I’m about a month behind on printing though.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
I'm 30. Thirty is good. I became a mom one month before turning 30. This has been a GREAT year.

22. Your worst enemy?
Me. Definitely Me.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
A picture of Leah in her Hershey’s Kiss costume asleep on Drew’s chest.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Leah! You don’t need to open dirty diapers. That’s disgusting!!

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Million. Definitely the million.

26. Do you like someone?
Lots of people!

27. The last song you listened to?
I was just listening to a Children’s Song CD with Leah – Don’t ask.

28. What time of day were you born?
Morning I think. (after an all night labor!)

29. Whats your favorite number?
I don’t think I have one. I’ve never thought about it.

30. Where did you live in 1987?
I was 12. I lived in Claremore, Oklahoma with my family.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
I suppose I am. I’m jealous of people who don’t have to work quite so hard to build their families!

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
I have no idea.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
Laramie, Wyoming – I had just gotten out of bed to check the weather channel and see what I should wear that day. I was on the phone with my best girl friend at the time.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Kick it. Find someone to complain to. I need my quarters back! LOL

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
I have commitment issues. I don’t think I could do it. If I did, it would have to be somewhere that doesn’t get so wrinkly so I don’t look freakish when I’m old.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish or Italian.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes. I just recently did actually.

39. Are you touchy feely?
Yes.

40. Whats your life motto?
I don’t know. Good question. I change the quotes in my signatures every couple of months. This is my current one:

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of
trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition
inspired, and success achieved. ~Helen Keller

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Diapers, wipes, & multiple pacifiers.

42. Whats your favorite town/city?
I couldn’t say. Wherever my family is – that’s the best place.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Breakfast for me & Leah on Saturday.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
A couple of weeks ago I sent a letter to Leah’s fmother.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
I have my doubts. Does taking it to Jiffy Lube count? Besides, that’s Drew’s job!

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
He ran away & was in hiding because he was sleeping with another man’s wife – I think joined the Navy. That man was out to kill him. Nice, eh?

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
I’d have to count. Quite a bit actually. I love to do family history!

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress
fancy?
Fancy? Depends on your definition I guess. My wedding? That was one week shy of 9 years ago. I get dressed up for church every Sunday. Does that count?

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Not really.

50. Have you been burned by love?
Of course.

New Sign & Dancing

Today Leah had her first every M&Ms. She loved them.



And she gets quite angry when they are "all gone" (meaning I won't give her more than a few at a time).

That reminds me - she sometimes she'll do the sign for "finished or all gone" - that's not the new one.

The new one is candy. I figured I might as well make something useful about of feeding her M&Ms so I was making her do "more" for every M&M. Then I added candy. By the time we were done she was doing them together for "more candy". Woohoo!

Hooray for bribery.

Right now she's dancing again. I need to load a video of that on youtube and paste it here. man she's funny. Bouncing and waving her arms.

This is the kind of moment when I wonder about her birthparents. I know her birthmom really well but not her birthdad at all. Does he dance? Does he love music like she does?? I wonder where those things come from and I wish I had the answers. It's always just a passing thought but there nonetheless.

I've played music for her, her whole life. I have an eclectic mixture. I know some of it is because of exposure from me but I know that isn't all of it. That would be naive of me to think. I danced with her around the apartment when she was a month old. So I suppose I contributed. lol

Talking

On Friday we put up three Christmas trees. (I know, I like to do things to excess lol). One is 6 feet, one is 3 feet, and the other is 12 inches. We put up lights on the porch and one of those net lights on part of the tree next to our porch. It would probably take 15 or so to actually cover that tree. It's huge.

***News flash - I'm currently watching Sister Act I. Whoopie Goldberg just has HUGE hair. What in the world. Leah gets really excited everytime music starts. She hurries over to the TV, stands up and starts shaking her little bootie. So adorable***

Anyway, yesterday I kept saying to Leah can you say "tree"? (which is funny because - of course not). But she started making a T sound over & over. She was totally trying to say T. I can't wait for her to talk.

Hmmm - now she's taking down the nearly 200 DVDs we have - and then standing on them so as to reach the ones that are higher than her head. Oh what a mess for mommy to clean up!

Does blogging always come with household distruction??

----- Just really wanted to get the attempt at the T sound & the word Tree.

What words does she say so far?

Mom
Mama
Dada
Nana
Bob (we don't know anyone named Bob - just one Spongebob bath toy.)
Muh (more)
Nenenenene - She says that when she's really excited. I have no idea why! lol

Baby Signs - milk, more, eat, hi, bye, up, down, "come here", pacifier

She'll point to ears on a toy, my nose, her nose, her toes, my toes, my lips, teeth, & tongue.

I'm missing stuff but at least I've got that down.

The Wait

The wait changed who I am. It changed my very being.

There were days I did not get out of my bed or a week where I barely left my house. I was without purpose. I drifted emotionally. I would sobbed my heart out to my poor husband. Sometimes I would scream and yell at him. And then there are times where he did it back. We're both loud passionate people. We needed to blow off steam. This was HARD.

My life felt so disconnect from what I wanted it to be. It was difficult for me to function in it as it was. I do feel like I did my best during that time. I wish that my best had been better. I wish I could have been cheery and peaceful. Maybe that was an unrealistic expectation to put on myself or maybe not. I don't know. I did go through a sort of cyclic pattern. I would be fine - happy even! lol - then I would get depressed, then I would rage and/or cry hard - then I'd be fine again for awhile.... It was like a constant grief pattern - except the situation didn't end so I just kept starting over again.

Most people don't wait so long. It was nearly 3 years of active adoption profile showing. And Leah was born exactly one week before our 8th wedding anniversary. Remember how I posted that we started trying to have a child three WEEKS after we got married? So we were one month shy of 8 years of wanting a child.

Hope became a thing of pain. There was no peace from this ever present ache I felt in my heart and mind. There was no escape from it.

I got a degree in Math. I guess that counts for something. I took lots of different kinds of classes. I figured if I didn't have my babies yet I would become a mentally more well-rounded momma. I took music classes (voice and theory), photography, English lit classes, Native American women writers, things like that - I stretched myself along with taking 17 math classes. I read, I studied. I read about adoption. I spent a lot of time on forums. I wanted to learn. To know everything I could know that would make me a better mommy.

But the wait was so hard. I honestly cannot find the words to express the depth of the pain I felt some days. There were moments I literally thought I would not & could not continue to breathe. It was too painful to take my next breath.

Often all I would think about why Heavenly Father would place me on this earth - as the person I am - with this intense desire to be a mother - and then have me battle infertility. That's was a struggle for me. I think I've come to terms with it now.

But I made it through. I feel like that was a fire that refined my being.

I am a better mother than I would have been at 22. No doubt. Drew is a better father. He is kinder and more patient. And he loves our baby girl so much sometimes I can see the ache of it in his eyes. He is constantly saying "Did you see that? She is so cute!" (Mind you she's doing something like trying to stuff a sock in her ear when he says these things - he loves everything she does.)

Some day maybe I'll find better words for this experience.

It is difficult to take my mind back to that place. I can feel the tension in my body as I write this post. It's going to take me awhile to relax after I get done with this post. I will hug our precious girl and know that everything feels like it is just as it should be now.

PS - I've mentioned Leah sleeping here with us. We're a cosleeping family. If you don't know what that is just google it. I'm sure it will come up in my blogging at some point.