Adoption #2

Our newly assigned caseworker - Brian - called for the first time today. He was very nice & very helpful.

I talked to him about the required adoption classes (they meet weekly in Utah for 6 weeks - NOT gonna happen lol). He said they will give us the electronic version of the classes & we can just read it. Hooray!

Wanting an AA child - he said that happens plenty & shouldn't be an issue

18 months or younger - He was really glad to know that & seemed excited about it

Visit - he will be coming here between the 12th & the 23rd of May - I said we were flexible & just to let us know what day. There are 3 other couples on his driving route in Wyoming so he's trying to coordinate them for one trip. We're totally flexible!

I asked him about the DFS agreement & he said that's he has heard talk of it but it hasn't actually been settled yet. He doesn't know what that will be.

I think that's everything.

I feel excited about it. Mostly finding about the classes because that would have been a real hang up. We're on the road now!

Big Stone Gap - updated

I've been reading a series - correction I've read a series lol - the last couple of days. The first books is called Big Stone Gap. Novels written by Adriana Trigiani.

Big Stone Gap
Big Cherry Holler
Milk Glass Moon
Back to Big Stone Gap

Apparently for quite a while it was called the Big Stone Gap Trilogy but in 2006 she wrote the 4th book.

They are not long, are easy reading but have left me feeling very introspective & thoughtful. I like that about a book. And those people are ALIVE to me. She weaves a good story.

I've had the first book for a long time on CD. I've listened to it probably 6 or 8 times over the last year in my car. It just finally occurred to me to see if perhaps Adriana had written more books. I was beyond excited to discover that it was a series! I went to the library the next day & found the other three books were all there. I read all three in the next day & a half.

I will say, if you have the chance to listen to them as audio books - do it. Adriana reads them herself. Her voice is fabulous and hearing Ave Marie's thoughts in that way - from the author - is a treat. Although I've read all the books now I'm still going to get them all on CD so I can keep the whole set in the car.

If you read them do come back & let me know!

Oh! And if you go to her website (click here) you can read about each book. Don't skip ahead though ;) Theres also an 'audio download' link for each book. You can hear a little of her voice.

A list of her books

(There ya go, Leah ;) )

Ultrasound

So at my doc appointment I had to wait a long time in the ultrasound room for the doctor. The machine already had my name across it and there was a default ultrasound picture...

of a fairly well developed baby.

The feelings that slammed through me when I looked at have been difficult to process.

I will probably never see that for real. A baby growing in my womb. Because, of course, during my actual ultrasound it was an empty uterus with a too thin lining.

I still don't really have words for how it made me feel.

I'm still not longing for pregnancy but that was not pleasant. At all.

:(

PS I'm trying to decide if I should write them a note or something. Maybe that wouldn't matter to other people? I don't know.

Good Night!

Leah is standing on the counter with her head in the cupboard - face on the shelf - saying "Good Night!"

That's all I have to say about that ;)

My plumbing

I went to the doctor yesterday.

I have no fibroids. The ultrasound was "non diagnostic" as the doc put it.

One of my ovaries has taken a walk & is in the wrong position. He said that is another thing that can be indicative of endo - along with all my other symptoms.

He also said my lining was too thin. That was new information for me.

So at this point it's one of two things - either my periods just REALLY suck & I have a displaced ovary or I have endo.

The first thing we're going to try is me taking a low dose birth control for a couple of months to see if that helps. He gave me a rx for a narcotic. (what a good guy ;) )

All-in-all it was good. I'm glad I went. And I really hope something as simple as birth control helps!

Application

The initial adoption application and some accompanying paperwork are on their way today! All done! :)

I so tired!

So yesterday Leah & I went to visit Nana (my mom). Leah - who normally sleeps in the car beautifully - stayed awake for the entire hour long drive.

When we got to Nana's house she was being very good so I just decided to skip her nap & put her to bed early. She did really well all day long.

Before 6 o'clock she was standing on an ottoman next to mom's desk & it started to roll backwards. I could see she was going to fall & hit her face on the desk so I yelled to mom to grab her. This, of course, scared her because she wasn't expecting me to yell. She cried about that for about 30 seconds and then all the sudden she WAILED, planted her face in my chest and said "I sooo TIRED!" and just sobbed for awhile.

It was seriously the saddest thing ever!

When she finally calmed down she said "I okay mommy".

I snuggled her while mom gathered some of our stuff & then I gave her to mom while I finished up. I got her a blanket and laid it on her & Nana at one point - when I came back a few moments later she was sound asleep. It was 6 by then. So I transferred her to the car & drove the hour home.

So tell me - don't 2 year olds normally have tantrums when they are exhausted and say they ARE NOT tired? I thought it was cool that she could verbalize she was tired like that!

PS She woke up when we got home & stayed up until 10 - it was good she woke back up because she hadn't had dinner! She was hungry - And she's hungry now & asking for waffles! I better go help out with that ;)

Climbing the Walls

Here's my child climbing the walls - literally. She was being so crazy!



She would start out laying flat on her stomach & walk up the wall. Cuckoo!

One Word

I found this on my sister's blog. And she's right - it's harder than it looks.

One Word

You.

Can.

Only.

Type.

One.

Word.

Not as easy as you might think!

1. Where is your cell phone? Bed

2. Your significant other? Work

3. Your hair? Red

4. Your mother? Saratoga

5. Your father? Saratoga

6. Your favorite thing? Leah

7. Your dream last night? Tense

8. Your favorite drink? Water

9. Your dream/goal? Happiness

10. The room you're in? Bedroom

11. Your ex? Nonexistent

12. Your fear? Loss

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Cheyenne

14. Where were you last night? Here

15. What you're not? Sad

16. Muffins? Please

17. One of your wish list items? Baby

18. Where you grew up? Everywhere

19. The last thing you did? Eat

20. What are you wearing? Nightgown

21. Your TV? Off

22. Your pets? Cats

23. Your computer? Dell

24. Your life? Full

25. Your mood? Headache

26. Missing someone? Drew

27. Your car? Quest

28. Something you're not wearing? Pants

29. Favorite Store? Shoes

30. Your summer? Distant

31. Like someone? Drew

32. Your favorite color? Navy

33. When is the last time you laughed? Morning

34. Do you cry alot? Ya

35. Who will/would re-post this? Kathy

Ding Dong

I was facing stuff at the store - Leah & Drew were with me - and there was a box of Ding Dongs in my aisle. I asked Drew to go put them away but he wouldn't - he wanted to buy them.

So now there's a box of Ding Dong's in my house. Drew hasn't eaten a single one! lol

Leah, however, thinks they're fabulous! *rolling eyes*

She is pretty dang adorable though, huh? ;)

Adoption #2

So I decided on Wednesday that Thursday would be the day I would sit down & do the initial paperwork for our homestudy for adoption #2.

So I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to find the papers that I have - apparently - put in a safe place. *insert annoyed face*

So instead of doing the papers I caught up on Big Brother. Nice, huh?

Today Drew called and asked them to send us more papers. The nice woman said she would send them out today. So next week I will do the initial paperwork. I guess I could start working on some of the things I know are coming, huh?

Getting on this roller coaster again is scary.

We have decided this time that we will be saying a child 18 months or younger (aone year younger than Leah) instead of an infant - although if that's what happens it's fine.

For some reason it's just not what I can picture. I have this picture in my head of a little AA girl about one. I can't seem to shake it - not that I've tried very hard LOL. It's just interesting that I can't seem to picture a newborn at all.

So, we're doing it. And we've decided to use LDSFS for our homestudy. We did that last time although we didn't complete our adoption through them. Specifically because we have so few choices here in Wyoming - but even more specifically because LDSFS in Utah signed an agreement recently with DFS in Utah. SO that means we it will matter that we want an 18 month or younger child. LDSFS generally places newborns. That and all the places that are in Wyoming - I've talked to them all - were really skeptical about me ever being matched with an AA or AA/?? child at all.

So there ya have it. LDSFS isn't actually my favorite agency in the world. We have some frustrating experiences with the Boise office (although the Denver office was wonderful). We'll see. This time our assigned office from here is Centerville, Utah. I guess we'll see, right?

Getting back on this rollercoaster is making me feel.... like someone could yank the rug out from under me at any second... shaking my equilibrium. Does that make sense?

There's a lot of baggage already in this journey!

Plumbing Take #2

AF arrived SO early. Bleh. So I had to reschedule my doc appointment (that was tomorrow) for next Friday.

The receptionist was so rude to me at first. I finally just said "My period came early." and she got much nicer. But what's the point in being so rude? Seriously. Bleh.

So I decided yesterday that today was the day. Today I was going to sit down and do the initial homestudy paperwork.

It's a nice thought... If I could FIND the paperwork! How annoying is that?

PS Thanks for the comments on my earlier plumbing post. I appreciate so much that there are people out in the world who understand how I feel.

And I have such GREAT friends!!

Peaceful Addition

This tea is THE best tea (herbal) I've had in my entire life. There is nothing better.

And it's 14 dollars a box. I'm on a google hunt for a substitute with the same ingredients.



So now I want to go to my peaceful place & drink this tea at the same time.

Disney Girl

Find Out Which Disney Girl You Are! created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Belle Dancing furniture, singing spoons, and a man who needs a serious haircut - sound familiar? Well it should! Belle was a very independent spirit with alot on her mind, much like you are! But in life, there is a needed balance - learn when to speak your mind, and when to hold it back. Sometimes offending someone isn't the best way to go! Belle 79% Cinderella 63% Jane 54% Pocahontas 54% Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) 50% Tinkerbell 50% Ariel 50% Jasmine 38% Snow White 33% Mulan 33% Megara 33% Violet 29% Alice 17% Esmerelda 8%

My plumbing

So I'm going to try to work something out in this post. I'm not sure if I'll get there or if I'll even publish this post. We'll see how it goes.

I have issues with going to the gynecologist. I know lots of people do but I don't have issues with the common things. I'm not overly modest really. I continue to chat & stay relaxed through the exam. I'm not ever nervous about it. (I was for my very first one, of course. lol) It's really no big deal as far as that stuff goes.

However - since dealing with infertility - and really since closing that door altogether with Leah's adoption. I don't want to go to the gynecologist. I think because my feelings about my plumbing issues are all tied up with my feelings about infertility.

How could they not be? One is the other I guess. But I what has driven me to the doctor finally (besides my dear Internet friends lol) is the desire to fix the pain I'm in each month. NOT a desire to get pregnant.

I feel like when I tell people they don't believe me. But LONG before Leah came I let go of that desire. The longing to be a mother never left, the longing to parent a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager... all of that never left. But the desire to give birth, to experience pregnancy? Gone. While I'm sure it would be wonderful in some ways, I don't feel that if I never get it I will be sad I missed something. It's just GONE.

One day, I actually knelt by my bed & prayed (not that it was such a strange occurrence - stay with me here lol) after having the realization that all this time I'd been praying that Heavenly Father would take away the desire to BE a mom. It occurred to me, as we had been discussing adoption, that perhaps I should pray for Heavenly Father to take away the desire to be PREGNANT - because clearly I still wanted very much to be a mom. So I did. It was one of the most sincere heartfelt prayers I have ever offered. When I rose from my knees that day - the desire was gone. I have never again mourned that lose. I was done with it that day. That was in 2001 (maybe 2002 - I forget & at the moment am unwilling to sit down with a calendar and figure it out ;) ). A long time before Leah came along!

So as I worked through my issues with the gynecologist I am frustrated that everyone's thoughts turn to my getting pregnant almost immediately. "If they fix that will you be able to get pregnant?"

Here I am, most desperately, trying to separate my feelings about my infertility from my feelings about seeing the gynecologist and everyone is joining them back up! lol

And probably I just need to face it. Sigh.

The other things is - there WILL be issues if I get pregnant. I have type 2 diabetes. It won't be easy, it won't be a breeze. There will be diets & blood testing & difficulties. And I would be scared the entire time. I've had soooo many positive pregnancy tests. It would take some time - no it would take birth - to get me to the point where I believe it was real. It would be so emotionally difficult. I don't know how to even imagine it.

Or take my temp, watching for ovulation. UGH.

Now my issues with my plumbing:

· Extreme Exhaustion – Example: Trying to take a shower – by the time I’m done with the showering my entire body will be shaking & I have to call my husband to help me step back out because I’m afraid I don’t have the strength to do it without falling. I've even crawled down the stairs with Leah following so I could go get her things or make her food, etc. I'm afraid because my legs are shaking from exhaustion (and pain) that I will fall down the stairs.

· Muscle Aches – Generally from my waist to my toes – my muscles cramp & ache for the first several days.

· Headaches

· Cramps – I take 1000 mg of Tylenol & 800 mg of Advil & hot pad, etc – and still I will be in pain that brings me to tears. I will just silently sit & rock. It also comes in waves. My friend Sarah tells me it sounds like I experience labor every month. Ew!

· Internal Pain – I cannot wear a tampon anymore. The pressure of having a tampon in there is agonizing & will actually make me scream. This is ONLY during my period the rest of the month I’m fine.

· Usually a couple of days before my period arrives I have one day of slightly bloody spotting & then it stops & then comes on full force later. Sometimes I also cramp before the bleeding actually starts.

· Hot flashes – sometimes when I’m ovulating & sometimes just before my period arrives. My face gets all red & hot & people think I have a fever, etc.

· After my appt last time I cramped for a day. I guess just from having her moving my uterus around? I don’t know.

That's the list I've made to take with me to my next appointment - April 11th.

I don't know if I've worked that out. But typing it all out has helped. Sorry this is so long. How incredibly boring for everyone to read!

All-in-all... pregnancy sounds like a more convenient way to have children but it's not the way I'm familiar with. Is it what I want for Leah? Is that fair to her? This child will be bio AND not the same race. I feel strongly that we need to adopt again but how can I justify that if they fix all my issues and I do/can get pregnant? My insurance will cover my being pg and giving birth. But they will in NO WAY cover us adopting, of course.

And maybe I'm scared because I don't want to face all those choices?

I need help. Can you tell?

I think I'll go dream about that peaceful place now. (post below this)

PS At my appointment I will be having what they termed " a thorough ultrasound" so they can take a look at my apparently now retroverted uterus and also see if they can see any fibroids. And then we go from there.

Peaceful place, peaceful place.

Peace

This is the place I will dreaming about from here on out. The place I will contemplate when I need some peace or I want to escape.

I want to be here...


Anybody want to join me?

ETA: The bench is for sale here. I got the magazine in the mail.