My plumbing

So I'm going to try to work something out in this post. I'm not sure if I'll get there or if I'll even publish this post. We'll see how it goes.

I have issues with going to the gynecologist. I know lots of people do but I don't have issues with the common things. I'm not overly modest really. I continue to chat & stay relaxed through the exam. I'm not ever nervous about it. (I was for my very first one, of course. lol) It's really no big deal as far as that stuff goes.

However - since dealing with infertility - and really since closing that door altogether with Leah's adoption. I don't want to go to the gynecologist. I think because my feelings about my plumbing issues are all tied up with my feelings about infertility.

How could they not be? One is the other I guess. But I what has driven me to the doctor finally (besides my dear Internet friends lol) is the desire to fix the pain I'm in each month. NOT a desire to get pregnant.

I feel like when I tell people they don't believe me. But LONG before Leah came I let go of that desire. The longing to be a mother never left, the longing to parent a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager... all of that never left. But the desire to give birth, to experience pregnancy? Gone. While I'm sure it would be wonderful in some ways, I don't feel that if I never get it I will be sad I missed something. It's just GONE.

One day, I actually knelt by my bed & prayed (not that it was such a strange occurrence - stay with me here lol) after having the realization that all this time I'd been praying that Heavenly Father would take away the desire to BE a mom. It occurred to me, as we had been discussing adoption, that perhaps I should pray for Heavenly Father to take away the desire to be PREGNANT - because clearly I still wanted very much to be a mom. So I did. It was one of the most sincere heartfelt prayers I have ever offered. When I rose from my knees that day - the desire was gone. I have never again mourned that lose. I was done with it that day. That was in 2001 (maybe 2002 - I forget & at the moment am unwilling to sit down with a calendar and figure it out ;) ). A long time before Leah came along!

So as I worked through my issues with the gynecologist I am frustrated that everyone's thoughts turn to my getting pregnant almost immediately. "If they fix that will you be able to get pregnant?"

Here I am, most desperately, trying to separate my feelings about my infertility from my feelings about seeing the gynecologist and everyone is joining them back up! lol

And probably I just need to face it. Sigh.

The other things is - there WILL be issues if I get pregnant. I have type 2 diabetes. It won't be easy, it won't be a breeze. There will be diets & blood testing & difficulties. And I would be scared the entire time. I've had soooo many positive pregnancy tests. It would take some time - no it would take birth - to get me to the point where I believe it was real. It would be so emotionally difficult. I don't know how to even imagine it.

Or take my temp, watching for ovulation. UGH.

Now my issues with my plumbing:

· Extreme Exhaustion – Example: Trying to take a shower – by the time I’m done with the showering my entire body will be shaking & I have to call my husband to help me step back out because I’m afraid I don’t have the strength to do it without falling. I've even crawled down the stairs with Leah following so I could go get her things or make her food, etc. I'm afraid because my legs are shaking from exhaustion (and pain) that I will fall down the stairs.

· Muscle Aches – Generally from my waist to my toes – my muscles cramp & ache for the first several days.

· Headaches

· Cramps – I take 1000 mg of Tylenol & 800 mg of Advil & hot pad, etc – and still I will be in pain that brings me to tears. I will just silently sit & rock. It also comes in waves. My friend Sarah tells me it sounds like I experience labor every month. Ew!

· Internal Pain – I cannot wear a tampon anymore. The pressure of having a tampon in there is agonizing & will actually make me scream. This is ONLY during my period the rest of the month I’m fine.

· Usually a couple of days before my period arrives I have one day of slightly bloody spotting & then it stops & then comes on full force later. Sometimes I also cramp before the bleeding actually starts.

· Hot flashes – sometimes when I’m ovulating & sometimes just before my period arrives. My face gets all red & hot & people think I have a fever, etc.

· After my appt last time I cramped for a day. I guess just from having her moving my uterus around? I don’t know.

That's the list I've made to take with me to my next appointment - April 11th.

I don't know if I've worked that out. But typing it all out has helped. Sorry this is so long. How incredibly boring for everyone to read!

All-in-all... pregnancy sounds like a more convenient way to have children but it's not the way I'm familiar with. Is it what I want for Leah? Is that fair to her? This child will be bio AND not the same race. I feel strongly that we need to adopt again but how can I justify that if they fix all my issues and I do/can get pregnant? My insurance will cover my being pg and giving birth. But they will in NO WAY cover us adopting, of course.

And maybe I'm scared because I don't want to face all those choices?

I need help. Can you tell?

I think I'll go dream about that peaceful place now. (post below this)

PS At my appointment I will be having what they termed " a thorough ultrasound" so they can take a look at my apparently now retroverted uterus and also see if they can see any fibroids. And then we go from there.

Peaceful place, peaceful place.