Pants

I just wanted to state - for the record (even though I never blog anymore haha) - if I owned a pair of dress pants I'd have worn them to church on Sunday. My husband told me to go out and buy some but I didn't want to drag my children around with me to find them as he was out of town.

Reading some of the reactions I wish very much that I had. I didn't see anyone in my ward wearing pants and I wished there had been someone so I could go hug them!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to ignore this post.

Pants on Fire

Why I wore pants on Sunday

Wear Pants to Church - Pictures

Why Pants Matter


That's all.

Just wanted to put that out there.

Thomas Jefferson -

"I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions. I think moderate imperfections had better be borne with; because, when once known, we accommodate ourselves to them, and find practical means of correcting their ill effects. But I know also, that laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths disclosed, and manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."

Pet Peeve of the Day

I was watching some reality TV... This is when this pet peeve is the most aggravated...

"I'm giving 110%!"

There is not a time when someone says that on TV that you won't hear me groan or yell at the TV or something.

It makes me crazy. If you say it in my presence, be certain I'm chewing on my tongue to keep from commenting - or I'm actually commenting and you're annoyed with me. lol

You can't give more than 100%. It's a silly little thing but nonetheless...

That is all.

Audiobooks

I love - love love love - to listen to audiobooks while I'm cleaning and cooking.

But so often this is how it goes...

Everyone is outside playing (and on this day I mean Leah, Hannah & two cousins - Elaina & Julia). I'm starting dinner and I think to myself: ohh. now is a good moment.

So I quickly plug my phone into the external speakers I keep in the kitchen and hit play.

*split second passes*

Hannah: MOMMY!

sigh. pause the book.

Answer Hannah's request.

Back to cooking.. wait a few minutes... push play again.

*about 2 minutes pass* (That was a good long time, right!?!?)

Leah: MOOOOMMMMMM!

Pause. Yes?

Elaina: I'm thristy. 

Sigh. pause the book.

You get the idea. 

So this generally happens four or five times before I yell at everyone. It makes me insane. It's like my pushing play triggers my children's request. It's worse than going to the bathroom!

Still I enjoy it. I get to do it the most when everyone is asleep or if Drew takes the girls to the park or some place.

Besides - the only thing worse than my listening to an audiobook or going to the bathroom? Actually sitting down and opening a book to read. That makes everyone go completely INSANE. Even Drew can't handle it. He has openly admitted he suddenly feels like he needs to compete for my attention with the book.

Oy. Some people's kids and husbands, eh?

Good thing I love them!

Drew for the win!

So yesterday I guess Drew was wandering around downtown Green River, WY and he happens upon a thrift store that is having a “going out of business” sale. He decided to go in a look around.

He found this silver set. And he thought I would love it. He also thought it was probably worth more than the 75 dollars they were selling it for.

The woman told him she didn’t think the silverware was worth much but she new the box itself was worth about 40 bucks. She had a paper that showed the silverware was worth about 500 dollars but she didn’t believe it. Anyway – Drew bought it for me and brought it home because he knew I would love it.

I did some research and found out that it was made in 1921 by Community Plate (which is now Oneida). The pattern is called Grosvenor. It’s silver plated and buying all the pieces I now  have individually… would cost about 800 dollars!

*faint*

http://www.silverpattern.com/Grosvenor.htm – You can see a bunch of pictures there. And if you feel the need to buy me a present… There are some pieces there I would love to have. haha.

Drew wanted to sand and refinish the box and I told him he was out of his mind. I LOVE it just like it is. All vintage and gorgeous.

So here is what it looked like this morning…

So I read all over the internet for awhile about the best ways to clean it. One of them is to induce a chemical reaction. You need aluminum foil, baking soda, salt, and boiling water.

And… then I forgot to take a picture while it was bubbling and doing it’s thing because I was so fascinated. It took most of the tarnish off. I still got a soft old toothbrush (poor Leah. That used to be hers… now it’s in the garbage.) and rubbed off the rest of the tarnish with the toothbrush and a little baking soda. Very gently.

I also cleaned the box inside and out and rubbed it with wood oil cleaner.

These are the after pictures:

LOVE! Yay!

Sunday Sentimental Share

I have a… thing… with this song  lately. I’ve been listening to it over and over again. I’ve known this song for many years and always I’ve gotten the message I think she intended but right now – with everything with my health and learning to function within the new normal I’m making for myself – It’s the bold part that is sort of speaking to me as I play it.

And that’s my sentimental share for today.

Also – I just have to publically say how fantastic my husband has been through all of this. He has taken on so much responsibility and is getting so much done when I’m having bad days. I know seeing me hurt is causing him pain. He loves me, He wants to fix it and he can’t. I’m so grateful for his caring and his love and his tenderness towards me. Love you, my Busband.

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these

I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
But it didn't steal your laughter
and heart ache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes

We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Do me a favor?

If you know me, love me or if you know or love (or are even just acquaintances with!) that has a chronic physical condition/illness that they deal with every single day…

If you know anyone like that…

Read this. The Spoon Theory.

I’d repost the whole thing here but it requests at the bottom that I not repost it without permission so you have to follow the link.

Thanks

PS I just used up most of my spoons going to the grocery store. I think I’ll just sit here now. Whew!

*insert catchy title that belies my true feelings of dismay*

I’ve whined on here about my health before. I just have something to add.

I have fibromyalgia.

I went to the doctor. He tested me for lots of things (that’s the blood tests I mentioned in Leah’s allergy post). I do not have lupus, or rheumatoid arthritis or any of the other things he tested for. Whew.

Fibromyalgia has no test. It’s a diagnosis of elimination.

My mother has it. I have it.

So I hurt a lot. Just about all the time. I have only so much energy to go around. So my girls have been getting it all. Some goes to cleaning my house if I have it left.

Some days I’m fine, some days I can’t do the simplest things – like shut my garage door. That was really annoying. There’s a lot of muscle weakness.

The are lots of other symptoms but we’ll just say it’s been impeding my daily life for awhile.

I’m just over here doing the best I can… but just about everything is going to the way side except caring for my children.

That’s all.

The Hideous Trip

We left Castle Rock, Colorado around noon. This trip - with smooth sailing and minimal stops from the short people in the back - takes about 4.5 hours. We stopped in Aurora to see Hannah's bmom, Amanda. We were gonna hang out but she was feeling crappy to say the least so we took her and Hannah's bdad some lunch and headed home.

As soon as we left her house and got back on the interstate we hit construction. Awesome. That lasted well over an hour just to go about 10 miles.

We had a normal drive to Cheyenne - albeit very windy around Cheyenne. We stopped to see Drew's mom, sister, and nieces. We visited for awhile, checked the road report and realized we need to get going. This was probably around 6? I forget. By the time we got to Laramie (45 miles from Cheyenne), the roads from Laramie to home were closed. Great. Drew has several brothers who live in Laramie. We headed to one their homes. They have a basement with this fantastic huge sectional sofa in it. Leah, Hannah, and I all slept on it and Drew slept on a twin mattress next to us. It was really comfy. Hannah thought we were insane - telling her to lay down and go to sleep on a couch but she handled it really well and then slept all night without any troubles. Yay for her!

(as a sidenote: Hannah has started calling us all with our last name involved. Leah Howe! Mommy Howe! Daddy Howe! So when she woke up Sunday morning her head was right next Leah's and she sits up and with total glee shouts: LOOK! Leah HOWE! - I'm ever so glad I was awake to witness that.)

We all get up. The roads are open. YAY! We pack up, leave, get the girls some breakfast (which before we left the house they both refused but then Leah was starving a few minutes later. I love kids. haha.) We get 20 miles down the road - we're so happy to be heading home. And boom. They reclose the roads. We are forced to turn around, drive the 20 miles back to Laramie to wait. We decided to hit Walmart. I needed things there but I hadn't wanted to go before because I wanted to be HOME.

Oh well. We spend 3 hours in Walmart. I get all the things I was after. The girls are losing it. I think maybe we should go back to his brother's house. So does Drew. Leah does not agree. That's backtracking. I see her point (no. she did not use the word backtracking) We were driving past the theater as we discussed this and see that "Puss in Boots" starts in 15 minutes (in 2D. THANK GOODNESS. I've had it with 3D movies.)

So off we go. We watch the movie and just towards the end I check on my phone and YAY - the roads are open.

We head out. Again. By now it's like 2:30/3 in the afternoon.

100 miles to go from Laramie to Rawlins.

20 miles. We pass the turn around mark. YAY.

30 miles. Dead Stop. Dead stop traffic in the middle of nowhere. Miles and miles of cars. Sometimes we'd get up to 4 mph.

SIX HOURS. 20 more miles. That's how long it took to go the next 20 miles. Six. Hours.

At one point I turned to Drew and said – the pioneers probably did this 20 miles in better time while pulling handcarts.

There were no accidents. It was windy. Very very windy. My sister heard them refer to it on the news as "hurricane force winds". We don't have hurricanes here. We just have wind. A lot of it. Sometimes it's stronger than others. But when you mix that with some dry-ish snow - there is no visibility. It's awful.

There was nothing to do but forge ahead. Did I mention that this 20 mile stretch has no cell phone service?

My poor children. They did so well. Leah never had a fit or freaked. Hannah had one little melt down at about the four hour mark. Seriously? She's one. That's impressive.

At that point (being the stellar law abiding mother that I am...) I let them up. We were staying between 0 mph and 2 mph. I let them get up and walk around the van. Hannah even sat on Drew's lap for awhile. Leah got in my seat and I went to the back of the van and cleaned it so I didn't go stir crazy. When we started to move faster I buckled them back in and they both fell asleep not long after.

Finally about the 60 mile mark traffic got normal. It was glorious. We were home in less than an hour from that point.

I actually cried when we got off the interstate. My babies were sound asleep. It was 10ish. We put them in bed, took a long hot shower, and I was asleep the moment I got in bed. Drew said he was all wound up and watched TV for awhile. He was amazing at the driving. He's so careful with all his girls in the vehicle with him. Gotta love that about him!

And I gotta love that just the day before he'd bought us 4 new tires. If we'd hit those roads on our old tires. Oy. That would not have been good.

There you have it. The hideous trip.

I don't want to leave town again for awhile, okay? Thanks.

For a little happy - Here are some pictures of the girls during our walmart trip. They were both in footie jammies.

Leah said: Let’s pretend to take a nap now…. I’m fooled. How ‘bout you?

Help Me, Please?

What is the worst way you have ever had someone ask you for help?

Okay. That's not THE blogging prompt for today but it made me laugh out loud. I've had more than one person do this but it's my LEAST favorite, most obnoxious, feels-insanely-manipulative pet peeve way of asking for help.

Needs Help Person: So... How are you?

... I answer. Reciprocate:

NHP: Oh I'm good. What are you up to today?

.... I answer (and if I know the person well I hear the trap being laid)

NHP: Oh! I'm so glad you aren't doing anything important. Can you ________ for me? 

Seriously. I HATE that. It's so obnoxious.

One time my husband told someone I was at home and lonely (this was pre children and he had to work) and said to them that they should do something with me, entertain me, etc. And what did they do for real? Call and say "I heard you weren't doing anything. Can you babysit?"

Nice. Thanks. My feelings were wicked hurt. And guess what? I said yes. That was a different me. Today I would have said no.

I am more than happy to do people favors (and really I rarely do say no) but be up front. Give me the chance to gracefully say no since that is, in fact, my right. Don't make it awkward for me. It's MEAN.

That is all. End of rant. :)

Wasn't that fun?

Quiet? What?

Can you listen to music and write? What song did you hear today?

Can I listen to music and write…. HAHAHAHA.

It’s never quiet in here. I have to be able to hear a million things and still do a blog post. It can’t always wait for the little bit of peace at night when I’m tired.

At this moment I’m listening to Drew & Hannah watch Despicable Me. Which is not silent, of course. Lots of chatter from Hannah too.

She’s also been on and off my lap at least 6 times.

I’m also carrying on several IMing conversations in Yahoo! and Skype.

And contemplating getting up to make some brownies… but I haven’t had breakfast yet. That might not be healthy. Or I could eat some healthy breakfast while they cook. These are my deep thoughts for this morning.

And I have a cold. And I’m medicated. So it’s a miracle I have any thoughts at all.

Oh – the only music I’ve heard today is my hideous cold voice singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” to Hannah several times – also while typing this post.

That’s all I’ve got for you today!

PS – I’m doing the thankful days thing in my sidebar. Adding one each day for November.

Crab Please!

If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?

Well that’s an easy one!

I want a crab and sushi buffet.

Snow crab, King Crab, Blue Crab, Dungeness Crab – all of it. There should be some of everything. And if it’s my last meal I want plenty of clarified butter to be dipping it all in!

And for the sushi  - lots of roe (but not salmon roe. I don’t like that), lots of tuna and spicy tuna, eel and avocado, shrimp tempura rolls, some crab in my  sushi too… well you get the idea.

Sushi and Crab.

I had this on Oct. 7th when I was in Castle Rock, CO visiting my mother. I took this picture with my phone. So. GOOD.

Extraordinary Stromal Decidualization

Now that’s a blog post title if I’ve ever seen one! Try not to be jealous that you’ve never been quite so clever, k?
 
Ha. I’m funny.

So – that’s what I have. Not cancer (yay!) Well really extraordinary is not part of the title. That’s just what the nurse said to me when she called. I thought it was part of the title but apparently it was just a description of how badly I have Stromal Decidualization.

This isn’t so common that there is a layman term for it. It’s in fact apparently quite uncommon. Lucky me. It’s a wonder I don’t win the lottery. Maybe if I start buying tickets…

Anyway, I’m trying to come up with my own name for it. Let me know if you have any brilliant ideas.

Also, because it’s not particularly common, there isn’t a lot of easy reading to do about it when you Google it. In fact, there isn’t much of anything. And what is there is all thick medical text. The only thing the nurse said that stayed with me was “we only ever see this in people who have multiple miscarriages”. Right. Well… that would be me.

So I’ll summarize what I learned from the various medical articles I read and share some links – just in case some other woman stumbles across this blog googling for things about stromal decidualization! Don’t feel as if you have to go read all this rather boring material!

First – in case you don’t know me well or haven’t been reading my (rather inactive these days) blog for very long. I have had many, many miscarriages. I’ve never known why. I’ve just always known that I can get pregnant fairly easily but I cannot stay pregnant. I literally lost count how many miscarriages. I know that sounds morbid but at some point it was easier not to count, not to take a test, to just know I’d had one and move on.

Part 1:

Decidua is the term for the uterine lining (endometrium) during a pregnancy, which forms the maternal part of the placenta. It is formed under the influence of progesterone and forms highly-characteristic cells.

After ovulation, in mammals, the endometrial lining becomes transformed into a secretory lining in preparation of accepting the embryo. Without implantation, the secretory lining will be absorbed (estrous cycle) or shed (menstrual cycle).

With implantation the lining now termed decidua evolves further during the pregnancy.
Got all that? Once you’re pregnant the decidua thing starts (that’s the root of my issue – and the root of the word. ha! I’m funny. Really. I am. You’re supposed to be laughing now…)

Part 2:

FYI: Stroma (animal tissue), the connective, functionally supportive framework of a biological cell, tissue, or organ

The decidua has a histologically-distinct appearance, displaying large polygonal decidual cells in the stroma. These are enlarged endometrial stromal cells.

Formation of a specialized decidua is called decidualization, which is a special property of endometrium seen only in placentation.

Placentation refers to the formation, type and structure, or arrangement of placentas.

Are you following me here? Sorry. I know this is thick.

So my uterus (heretofore referred to as: Hazardous Waste or HW for short) is full of placenta cells. 14 years worth of miscarriages and build up from them.

One of the ironies of this situation? My body doesn’t do anything right and I’ve been known to say many times – at least it knows how to miscarry and I don’t have to have D&Cs. HA. Apparently I was mistaken.

So that’s the beginning of that. I get pregnant. My body starts making placenta. I miscarry but it doesn’t get rid of the placental cells.

Now…

http://molehr.oxfordjournals.org/content/16/12/886.full – there is also this related article that my friend Renee found when she was googling with me.

This one. I don’t know. It threw me for a loop. I honestly felt like I would ask Heavenly Father when I died… “So what was up with all the miscarriages, eh?” And that’s exactly when I expected to find out.

But alas – this article tells me why.

Super Fertility. For real? I also often say when talking about my infertility: I’m the most fertile infertile woman ever. It’s ridiculous how easily I get pregnant. RIDICULOUS.

The article says: In our clinical experience, however, many women with RPL, especially those who have experienced many consecutive losses, report exceptionally high pregnancy rates.

No kidding. Huh. Oh RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

Also from the article:

Superfertility in humans is currently only an anecdotal concept without obvious clinical connotations. Even in a broader biological context, superfertility is a rare phenomenon, ascribed only to certain breeds of sheep.

Seriously? This might be morbid but that made me laugh hard. OF COURSE whatever perfectly describes me would be something only proven in certain breeds of sheep. OF COURSE. Baa Baa. That’s me.

If you want to read the article, feel free. It’s long and thick but you’ll see the discussion about it’s relationship to decidualization.

Clearly, it’s nothing I can totally confirm but it so perfectly matches all the things that have happened to me and then the end result that I have – it seems fairly obvious.

So what’s the solution? When the nurse called me she said at minimum I needed a D&C to clean everything out. I told her – I don’t want that. NO NO NO. Please just take it out.

She said that I would have to discuss that with the doctor but she seriously doubted he would be opposed.

So today I was supposed to have an appointment to discuss it but between him being a baby doctor and being late for everything (babies never come when they are told!) and Drew’s work schedule – blah blah blah. It just wasn’t going to happen today. (I have to drive 100 miles to the appointment). So I asked could I discuss it with him on the phone. His nurse called me again later (same woman) and she said – are you really sure you want a hysterectomy? Yes. I’m sure. Very sure.

(Please. I have two children. And neither one of them involved my stupid malfunctioning uterus)

She said okay then. Let’s have you come in on July 11th and change it to a preop appointment.

Okie Dokie! I’m on board for that.

I’m excited to have it over. I’m  nervous as all heck for the actual doing of the thing. For the weeks after when I’m not supposed to lift over 20 lbs (Hannah weighs 22 lbs). That kind of thing. Spending the night in the hospital away from Hannah. I haven’t spent a night away from her yet. I know she’s 15  months old and she’ll be okay in the long run but I wish I wasn’t doing that to her yet.

Oh and we’re in the middle of moving. I guess that’s one way to get out of lifting heavy boxes…

Let me begin this by assuring you this post is not about garnering sympathy. I'm just myself kind of coming to terms with... something. I'm not sure what.

(Sorry that it's so long and so rambling. I had to get it out!)

So I have these medical issues. I may only be 35 but my body just has no idea.

Let's see... there are the female plumbing issues: infertility, probable endomeriosis (you can't diagnosis that without surgery), sometime I get ovarian chats too - which is pcos stuff. I have lots of those symptoms.

My periods are hideous. I can't move around too much for a few days. Pain pills that I swear take all my IQ points while I'm on them. I won't go into great detail about this one, eh? Lol.

This also is often accompanied by migraines.

I have IBS. It effects everything I eat, every meal, every day. I've blogged about the diet restrictions on here before. One of the toughest aspects of this is the emotional. For instance, let's say I have a fight with Drew. If I get really tense and upset, I will have an attack. The severity generally matches the fight but not always. Last time I had an attack that lasted 5 days. Which means I'm in pain and not functioning well and just eating rice or baked potatoes while my insides calm down. Or I'll just have one at random. I had one last week where my insides - from the top of my throat and all the way down - cramped up and stayed cramped for 13 hours. Drew was at work and I was literally crawling around the house at times to take care of the girls. It was hideous. He got home about the 8th hour and I collapsed in bed and finally fell asleep. Ugh. The next day I was just sore. Like I'd done a lot of abominal exercises.

Anyway... then there is the diabetes. Again with the food limiting. Checking my blood sugar. I hate doing that. Blah blah.

Acid reflux. I take a pill for that everyday. That keeps that at bay. But if I don't I'll actually cough up acid in my sleep. Sometimes get it in my lungs and wake up with a fever. So ya. Take the pill.

Restless legs: not a big deal but really annoying at the end of the night. I have a homeopathy treatment for that. It works great.

So what is my problem? I don't know. I sound like a freaking hypochondriac (is that how you spell that? )

Oh wait! The other extra food thing... corn. In all its forms... I have some kind of "allergy". It is mood altering for me. Which is a nice way of saying it makes me really, really grouchy/aggressive. So dramatically that Drew will physically hold me back from eating a corn chip. Poor guy. Hehe. And corn makes me exhausted. Corn, corn syrup, corn meal, corn flour... corn is in EVERYTHING.

I don't want to be defined by these things about my body. Lately it seems like I can't catch a break from any of this. I just want to live my life, be a mommy who doesn't have to say, "Sorry baby. Mommy is sick again today."

It's not who I am! It can't be. Its driving me crazy. How do I balance having all these medical issues with living life? How do I take care of them without it being the central thing going on with me?

I am sick of being sick. All of this seems to effect my immune system. I get everything that passes anywhere near me.

I'm also taking prozac for depression. Duh, right? I take a multivitamin (and finding one I could take was not easy! Chewable vegan childrens...), vitamin d, liquid vitamin b complex, glyburide for blood sugar, prilosec. I think that's it. Oh and cinnergen. It's a cinnamon supplement that makes me need less glyburide.

I hate that pile of pills. I had to get a dang pill organizer. Like I'm 75.

I do feel like this is becoming the center of my life. I want it yo be a backburner thing. All of it.

How do I do that?

I would never!

What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done?

I've never done anything dangerous. Ever. I'm innocent!

haha.

Okay, really I'm a mostly safe person. I haven't done anything particularly insane with my life.

The first thing that came to mind when I read that question was my driving when I was in my early 20s. Not as a teenager mind you - I drove pretty safely then.

But in my early 20s, I did some pretty dumb things. For example, one summer I had gone to a wedding in San Diego and I flew back in to SLC around 11:30 pm. I was headed to my bioDad's house here in Rawlins.

I got out of the airport a little after midnight, stopped got gas, a snack, etc. And I headed out. The drive is about 300 miles. It's supposed to take 4.5 - 5 hours.

I'd give you more details but I honestly don't remember much of the trip. I was EXHAUSTED. I just drove. Not only that, my car was full of all my belongings because I was in between semesters and apartments for a 3 week break. So from floor to ceiling - even in the passengers seat, the car was full. I couldn't see much around me. That wasn't particularly safe either.

And I pulled into Rawlins and it was 3:30. I looked at the clock and thought... WHAT? I knew my bioDad's wife was going to have a heart attack when I showed up so I drove around Rawlins for another 20 minutes or so. After that I decided I was too tired to keep stalling.

When I got there, she did, in fact, freak out a bit that I was there already. I didn't tell her until years later what I'd really done.

I figure I had to be going just over 100 mph at a pretty steady pace.

Driving that fast? While I was so exhausted I don't really remember the trip?

I'm glad nothing bad happened to me. Why in the world did I not get a hotel room and sleep first!?!? Ding a ling.

ETA: There was another thing during this trip... when I got to the airport I parked in the cheapest parking lot... it was quite a long way from the airport. When I got out of the actual building of the airport it was after midnight and really dark, of course.

Did I wait for the shuttle bus to come around? No. I just started walking. I walked through a dark parking lot in the middle of the night for probably 15 minutes or more to get to my car. I remember passing a couple of men and it actually crossing my mind that this wasn't safe. Aye aye aye.

Sometimes I Cry.

Okay that's probably a bit of an understatement. I'm a cry baby but that's not really my point...

Today we went to Leah's Thanksgiving Preschool Lunch. The kids stood up front and sang two songs to us. All 3-5 year old children, lined up in one long line.

The songs both had motions. Leah was SO into it. She was so happy and so enjoying what she was doing. Shame one me for not bringing my camera. I don't think I've ever seen her so into something. The pure happy on her face while they performed that song.... Ya. I cried.

And every now and then I have these moments... these... "Oh my gosh. I'm a MOM!" moments. And they totally overwhelm me when it happens.

There was so much longing, for so many years.

And now every once in a while in the day-to-day life of being a mother, these moments smack into me for a minute. And I feel like I can't breathe for a second and then I cry.

I love being a mommy.

I live in Wyoming.

How did you end up where you're living right now? What factors will help you choose the next place you live?

Well...

I did move to Wyoming of my own accord in 1996. I wanted to work for my bioDad for awhile and take a break from college. So that fall semester I didn't do school. I worked for him, lived here in Rawlins. In January I started taking classes again at the outreach center here. In an English class, I met Drew for the first time. And then a few weeks later I saw him at church and discovered we went to the same church and just hadn't seen each other. The rest of that is history, of course.

We moved around quite a bit but we were in Idaho after finishing college and I thought we'd stay there but alas. Drew really wanted to come back here. And he really wanted to work for the railroad. So here we are. Living in Rawlins again. Not my dream town but it's not a horrible place to live.

We will at some point move to Cheyenne. As soon as Drew has enough seniority to keep us there year round (which could be as soon as next summer). And likely we'll live there for a long time. Although you just never really know what is around the corner, I guess.

But I think I'd really like to live in Cheyenne. There are a lot of things there, it's only 45 min from Ft. Collins and only 88 miles from Denver. Way more access to a number of things than I have now.

And with all my food allergies? Seriously? It'd be really nice to be able to shop in the kind of store where I had lots of choices!

Today. 13 Years Ago...

"The life that I have, Is all that I have, And the life that I have, Is yours.
The love that I have, Of the life that I have, Is yours and yours and yours.
A sleep I shall have, A rest I shall have, Yet death will be but a pause,
For the peace of my years, In the long green grass, Will be yours and yours and yours."
~ Leo Marks

Gun Class

Well, I did it! I went.

That was step 1. Yeah me! My mom did not come because she's sick. So not only did I go but I did it on my own. Yeah me again!

As I mentioned before I had to read this book prior to the class. While it was very informative, I am telling you what. It was the driest book I have ever read in my entire life. I wanted to pull my hair out.

**And let's remember here: I have a BS in Mathematics. I've read some dang dry material. This book has no equal.

I had to read it in small doses with a highlighter in hand to keep me focused. Whew.

But in GREAT news - the class was not so boring. It wasn't a party or anything but I really liked the instructor and the other women in the class. We had fun.

We spent 4 hours going over the book and talking. He showed us a lot of what was in the book with a real gun (unloaded, etc). We practiced things on it and at one pointed I loaded pink plastic bullets in a magazine. I thought that was funny.

They were feeding us lunch - it was pizza. Since I can't eat any of that, I ran home and made a tortilla wrap. Kissed my babies and Drew and went back. After lunch he had us each hold a gun and decide which one we would use when it was time to shoot for real .

Then we talked about the book some more and then took a written test. (50 questions. Some multiple choice/some true or false.) I got 100%. Woohoo!

Then it was time to shoot. Oh man.

So we get our ear things on, glasses, etc. He had everything set up in the indoor shooting range already. So we each choose a spot. First I got to shoot a gun of his that's work like 3k. Wowzer.

That didn't seem like a bad choice for my first time shooting a gun, eh?

And I swear on my life... I. was. awesome. HA! I totally thought I was gonna miss the whole target or something. But no. I rocked it. One of the women looks at my thing and says "I think you've found your calling." That was funny. It didn't look like the target of someone shooting for their first time ever.

I asked the teacher at the end of class if I could have my target thing. He said, "You're taking that home so you can show off!" and I said, "My husband will NEVER believe me if I don't bring it home and show him!" He just laughed and got it down for me.

And I was right btw - Drew said he'd have never imagined it if I hadn't brought it home.

So that first gun had a laser sight. That was pretty awesome but I wanted to try one that didn't to see if I could still aim without it. I used a 9 mm next. My shots were still good - although not quite as good. And then after a few of that I used a revolver. I still hit the target with all 5 rounds but that was probably the worst batch. (I have a picture I'll post with this and you can see). None of it was awful.

There were a couple people in the class who were having a hard time even hitting the target so I felt good about hitting it all the time. hehe. At one point when I had 10 holes in mine I stopped and was looking at some of the others and one girl only had 2 holes. She was having a hard time not anticipating the gun. He said she just needed to keep shooting so she got used to it.

He had us each time, load 3 rounds, shoot 3, take out the magazine, etc. put it all down. Repeat.

Anyway, all-in-all it was a fantastic experience. Guns demystified.

As my friend Jeff told me - you need to transfer your fear to respect & responsibility.

Mission accomplished I think.

It was worth it!

**

PS The girls did awesome with Drew. Hannah was soooooo happy to see me when I came in the door. She was sitting on Drew's lap on the couch and when she saw me her little arms and legs just went totally wild and she started squealing. Best moment of my day!

The pictures:

The circles I shot with gun #1 was similar to THIS except there was a laser sight thing on top. Well and some other things were different but you get the idea.

In the picture the shots with this gun are the circles. The ones with the X through them are a series of 3 I did where he said he wanted us to do 3 in really fast succession.

The 2nd gun was a 9 mm. These shots are marked with a triangle.

The 3rd was the revolver. These shots are marked with a square.

The target was hanging mid air, roughly the height of a person, 25 feet away for all the shots.

Oh - and one or two of those spots - it has a circle and an X because several times I shot through that same spot. It just kept making the hole bigger.

I saw it!

I went tonight ALONE to the movie theater and ALONE I watched the newest Harry Potter movie.

ALONE ALONE ALONE.

First, the movie was fantastic. I totally loved it. I laughed, I cried a little, I screamed several times. I even threw my arms and legs into the air at one point.

I'm certain I was a sight to behold.

Second, I did all this alone. I'm so rarely truly alone. Even when it's quiet and I'm 'alone', there are still children in their beds to be watched over, etc.

Anyway, I loved it.

It never totally turns off - the mommy thing. I had my phone on vibrate and every time it would buzz for something I'd grab it to see if it was Drew calling but still... I got to revel in the movie and totally enjoy myself. It was fantastic.

Btw, Drew had the girls. Hannah was already asleep when I left and he just had to put Leah to bed. When I came home the main floor of the house was all clean, dishes done, a big cup of ice water waiting for me and an apple pie candle lit.

That was sure pleasant to arrive home to after a movie alone!

A great evening, indeed.

Tomorrow I have my 8 hour gun class. Eek.

10 Years Ago

I was looking through blogging prompts and picked this one at random...

Where were you and what were you doing ten years ago?

I had to go find my husband and discuss this with him to make sure I remembered right.

10 years ago - Nov 2000. We had moved to Laramie, WY in Apr 2000 to finish college. So in Nov 2000 we were in the midst of a semester of college and living in a one bedroom apartment on campus. It was the smallest thing ever.

I remember the first day in that apartment. The manager showed us around and I acted cheery enough. She gave us the keys and left and I sat down in the middle of that tiny living room and sobbed for maybe 5 minutes. Drew was just sort of standing by me and patting me. He didn't know what to do. I was saying "I don't know if I can do this." etc.

Then I stopped. I stood up and said, "Okay. Let's unload the truck!" Poor man looked so confused. He called his brother and they proceeded to dump everything we owned into the living room (well - not everything we owned. It wouldn't have all fit!). Even the dining table was on top of the stuff upside down. It took me less than 48 hours. I was like a crazy driven woman. I had that place all organized and looking like we'd lived there forever.

We didn't live there horribly long but it was just right at the time. I think we paid 365/month? And that included all the bills - phone, internet, cable, everything. We had to pay our rent and our car insurance and buy food.

Man those were simple times. I wish we still lived that cheap! I can't quite imagine it. lol

Although it was in this apartment that I had my first miscarriage. That was not so simple. Or so great. I had no idea what was coming.

But all is well. I have a FIVE year old! And a 7.5 month old. That's so amazing to me. Life happened as it's bound to do. It certainly hasn't taken all the paths I had planned on. Okay - it's taken NONE of the paths I planned on and yet - all is well! And probably better than what I had planned. As far as children go, I cannot fathom two more delightful beings in this world. That part of life is PERFECT!