Today

Today has been one of "those" days. It's been a dang crappy day!

Dear Mr. President...

I like this song. Not just for Bush though - all politicians. Why do they all seem to forget about "real" life?

My Husband

I just want to announce to the world today...

I LOVE My Husband.

He's so fantastic. He works so hard. He loves me. LOVES me. I love that he takes such joy from being in our family. He loves Leah so much & enjoys her!

When he's home from work he changes all the diapers. He feeds her breakfast & gives me mommy time. (I am supposed to be doing homework right now because he's out playing with Leah hehe)

I just think he's amazing & I think I'm a lucky woman.

This morning I was reading at a forum (not mine) where some people were complaining about how unhelpful there husband's are. And some of these husbands were demanding that their wives go back to work full-time & saying things like "I want to be able to go on nice vacations and stuff!"

I mean it's one thing if you NEED the money, of course! Or just if it is the woman's CHOICE to work. But if the whole reason for having a job is so you can take fancy vacations & buy lots of toys... Well, that just doesn't fit on my priority list.

We live fine on just his income. But if I went to work I could probably double what we are living off of. We've have a huge home & lots of toys. But it isn't where I find happiness & satisfaction.

And I am just SO grateful that my husband & I have similar priorities & ideas about what we want. And that he relies so heavily on my mothering instincts.

For instance, yesterday we had a discussion about the pacifier. He's tired of it. He wishes she didn't have it anymore. But after we talked & I expressed that I just KNOW she isn't ready to give it up yet - he immediately said okay! He trusts me & I love that. We talked about it for like 1/2 an hour but in the end he just trusted me.

And yesterday when we were on the phone while he was out of town, I told him I was tired & didn't want to cook dinner. He got on the phone & ordered me a pizza! He paid for it over the phone so all I had to do was answer the door & get the pizza.

How fun is it that he made me dinner while he was out of town??? LOL

I love him!

No Hallie

We've decided not to get Hallie. Well, the pug, I'm guessing Hallie won't end up being her name.

For a lot of reasons but mostly I'm just sad.

:(

Adopting Again...

So now that the house is bought & we are moved. We've decided that next Jan/Feb we are going to get started doing our homestudy. Leah will be 2 in just 2 months (wow!) and if it takes about a year she'll be 3. I think that's a good time span. Of course if it takes a million years... We'll deal with it! And the other way around too I suppose. If it happens quickly - 2 years is an okay gap too. lol

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about doing all of this again. There's so much scariness. (Is that a word?)

The situation with Leah was almost a foster care situation. She was almost 40 & had been told by the state that either she found parents for her coming child or they would. So here we are. We did an independent domestic adoption but it only sort of was. The CYS office in PA had to have copies of our paperwork, etc. So we had to satisfy the foster care people too.

Anyway, I don't fee like we swooped in a took a baby from some young expectant mother's child - and she's going to spend the rest of her life regretting the decision. I would be absolutely tortured by that knowledge. I don't know what I would do. I just can't stomach the idea. I have such issues with absorbing other people's emotions. So how to I keep that from happening to us? I do I keep from doing that to someone?

And I don't trust this industry to keep all this from happening obviously.

But I feel driven to do at least one more adoption. I want another baby & I really feel like Leah deserves a sibling - most especially another biracial family member. I want that for her. I'd love if it was a girl (although we won't specify). I so love having a sister - my relationship with her is such a special part of my life. I want Leah (named after that wonderful sister) to have that too.

Anyway. I'm worried. If I lived in a more diversely populated state I would try the foster care route. But it could take a looonnnnggg time. There are not a lot of AA or AA/CC children in foster care here!

And then there's the other thing. I live in this sparsely populated state. It's not like there are adoption attorneys & agencies swarming Wyoming! I can use the church's agency (LDSFS) but that didn't work out so well before. I can use the Catholic Charities (or Services... I forget what they are called) - they don't care what religion you are as long as you have A religion & can get a letter from someone showing it. I emailed with the director a few months ago & asked her some questions. She did say that mostly have CC babies because - well, this is WY. But they can network with other offices around the country, etc. LDSFS is the same way.

There is one Quad A attorney 120 miles from here. We can use him but he doesn't match prospective parents & expectant women. He just does the legal stuff afterwards. I talked to him on the phone also. Very very nice guy. He gave me some references. He said he has done legal stuff for one woman who lives about 40 miles from here. She has done several transracial adoptions. I haven't called her yet though.

I also asked him for recommendations about homestudies. He gave me several numbers but he said he'd recommend calling the woman at the Wyoming ICPC office & he gave me her number. I haven't made that call yet either.

I'm in such a quandary. What are the chances of finding a situation like our first? Where I know for certain we aren't all going to be tortured later? D (leah's fmom) - we still talk on the phone every couple of weeks, etc. I like being able to know where she is & keep in touch with her for Leah. I know she loves her. She's such a sweet woman. She just came from a really hard life & hasn't been able to mother her children (Leah is her fifth).

Ugh.

Tell me this is going to be easy. Tell me I don't have to worry so hard.

ha ha. Can't, huh?

Summer Fun

Everything

Well, in good news - we are totally moved out of the old place. On Monday we'll give the apt manager the keys.

Let me just say - I hated living there. I cried when we moved in. It was quite literally the only place we could find to live. We lived with DH's parents for a month as it is. There was just no where to live - nowhere to rent and about 5 houses for sale in the whole town. Right now there is still nowhere to rent hardly and about 120 houses on the market. It's amazing what a year can do!

Anyway. I hated it. I hated it so much it's hard to even talk about. But I never have to go back there again. I'd rather go back and live in the one bedroom basement apartment we had in 1997! lol. Of course, as newlyweds that was the happiest place ever. ;)

_____

I'm really enjoying getting to plan doing things to this place. I can't believe we finally bought a home. When we decided to adopt we knew we were making the choice between buying a home & adopting. It just wasn't possible to do both back then. But now we've done it. It's so great!

And now I'm wanting another baby... The feeling started out slowly a couple of months ago. But lately I think about it almost everyday. I'm hoping that after the first of the year we can start in earnest to start up again. And then hopefully by the end of next year adopt again. Leah will be 3 at the end of next year. I think that's a good distance apart but not TOO far apart, kwim?

_____

Which brings me to last night. D (leah's fmom) called last night. I had called her a few days ago so I could give her our new address. It's always good to talk to her but sometimes the conversation is a struggle. We just don't have a lot in common besides Leah. Sometimes D is interested in hearing and sometimes she isn't. She loves that Leah is starting to talk on the phone though. Leah talked to her last night with my new bluetooth thing on her ear. It was adorable. She said hi & how are you & answered her with "good" when D asked, love you, and then Bye bye! I could tell D was excited about that.

This is such an awkward situation sometimes. It wasn't what I ever pictured an adoption being like. Mostly because I wanted an open adoption but partly because this wasn't just a normal "domestic infant adoption". D had four children removed from her care before Leah. When CYS in PA found out she was pg again (when she went in for services) they told her she had to find adoptive parents herself or they would remove the baby at birth & do it for her. I don't know why the previous children were removed - the only thing she ever said was "for stupid reasons". The oldest lives with his father & won't speak to her, the middle two were adopted, the fourth lives with her brother and she still gets to talk to her quite a bit. Although just recently she moved to the same town her other dd is in. I asked last night if she's getting to see her a lot now & she said "Well, she's in school now." I don't know what that means. And I shouldn't be judgmental about it should? I'm so rude. Sigh.

I guess I look at it as seeing how she might deal with Leah in the future. She doesn't remember her birthday. :(