Miscarriages & Unexpected Sadness

I've blogged about my infertility, my miscarriages, my diagnosis, my recent hysterectomy but there are apparently some things that... not only have I not blogged about... I have not processed them myself.

I know I've said on here before that I stopped counting my miscarriages a long time ago. And generally in the doctors office I'll just say 20+. I know it was more than that but there has never been a time in the last... wow. 14 years next month - that I have allowed my mind to really try to gather how many times that has happened to me.

I've been reading a book called Firefly lane - which so far is very good - but in one part one of the women has a miscarriage and my reaction to that part was stronger than I've had in a long time. I was listening to the audio book as I cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen... then I was standing at the stove and sobbing. And I have found myself over the last few days crying on and off at random.

It's taken me a couple of days to work through the grief I've been feeling. It feels so heavy. Suddenly heavier because I'm acknowledging the weight of it instead of ignoring it.

I think that I'm capable of dealing with this now (and I need to) because I've had the hysterectomy and the miscarriages are over. There was really no point in working through the grief in its entirety because it was an ongoing issue.

There are lots of people who may have a single (or several) miscarriage and do a ceremony of some type - plant a tree, let a balloon go, a little memory box, name the baby. And I guess I felt like if I started that I would have to keep doing it every time - and then how was I going to keep all my emotions in check while that happened to me over and over? I NEEDED to keep my emotions in check.

So now I'm thinking - I want to do something. Something that honors those babies and what has happened to me.

Oh and I finally discussed - out loud even - how many miscarriages I must have had in the last 14 years.

In this last year, I'd say as I look back - I had 4 this year. So let's just take that number and multiply by 14. That's 56. It may seem ridiculous since it was happening to ME but that number SHOCKED me. And Drew says to me, "but in the early years when we were trying to hard to get pregnant you had way than 4 a year." So we'll just go with 60+. I can't even... Just. Wow.

So the question is - how does one go about memorializing for themselves 60+ miscarriages?

Drew says we should buy 60 helium balloons and go somewhere and sit and let them go one at a time. I like the physical process of that idea. I think that maybe that would be like watching the weight lift from me.

I think I might also like to make a quilt - with 60 distinctly different squares. Although that's a heck of a lot of fabric gathering I'd have to do.

So one thing for the physical process and one thing to keep and hold on to that represents our journey through this.

Any other ideas? I just want to do something that feels healing. I feel an almost desperate need to do something because I can now and I've always wanted to.