National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

In honor of this day I wanted to write a post. The problem is - I've done it.  So I decided I'm just going to repost.

This initial post gives it more context though: Miscarriages.







25 Oct 2011
Post: Balloons

This is a place Drew says he used to come to sometimes as a teenager when he wanted to be alone and sit by the river. It’s about 15 miles outside of town.

Yes, Wyoming already looks like winter. I know you were thinking that… In fact it was pouring rain as we left town and got on the interstate and just as we pulled up to the river it stopped raining. Just a stray rain drop now and then.



This is what 60 balloons looks like in a bunch (that’s a rain drop on the picture).






My friend at the store that did the balloons (she’s the floral department manager) put in one “It’s a Girl” balloon and one “It’s a Boy” balloon. I was surprised how right that felt. It was a great idea.



I took the balloons from Drew and held them all at once. He put his arms around me and said a prayer. Then I pulled the balloons more down around me. For just a minute they were all around me and I stood there and cried. Then I started letting them go one at a time.





Just as we got back in the car and started to drive away again, it started pouring. It felt like an acknowledgement from Heavenly Father of what we were doing there. It was very sweet.

I’m amazed at how much better I feel having done that. Lighter some how.

I ordered the fabric to make the quilt right before we left. I have a poem that’s going to go on the back of it in the corner. I found this image of it the other day…

A Life Uncommon

It was a rough weekend emotionally. I'm a little raw from it.

So I'm driving along. Taking my girls to the library (we seriously have the best library ever. We stayed for three hours!). And I turn on the CD in my car. It's a Jewel CD that I have had FOREVER. I know every word to every song. And yet somehow this song was all new to me today. So I'm singing along and just started to cry as I drive (almost ran a red light too).

It's perfect. It spoke to my soul today - which sounds totes dramatic but it really did.




Lyrics

Don’t worry mother
It’ll be alright
And don’t worry sister
Say your prayers and sleep tight
And it’ll be fine
Lover of mine
It’ll be just fine

And lend your voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength
To that which you wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And you shall lead
A life uncommon

I’ve heard your anguish
I’ve heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary
But we aren’t worn out
Set down your chains
Until only faith remains
Set down your chains

And lend your voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength
To that which you wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And we shall lead
A life uncommon

There are plenty of people
Who pray for peace
But if praying were enough
It would’ve come to be
Let your words enslave no one
And the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring our clear
With sounds of freedom
Sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers
Move out of the way
There is a new army coming
And we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

And lend our voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength
To that which we wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And we shall lead...

And lend our voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength
To that which we wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And we shall lead
A life uncommon 

***
I started to bold the parts that spoke to me but it was almost all bold so I gave up.

So my fellow MoFems especially - we've had a hard weekend. I hope this soothes your soul in the same way it soothed my own. My love to you!

What I think...

If you're not interested in Mormon politics and religious establishment inner workings... you might want to skip this post. lol

What I think about Ordain Women:

I'd actually really love to eloquently tell you what I think but I'm still studying. I didn't become aware of this movement soon enough to have fallen firmly on one side or the other. I am doing my duty and diligently studying the issue.

I believe as LDS people this is, in fact, our duty. We are supposed to study issues, learn what we can, study it out in our minds, and THEN pray about it.

I have gotten this far - I absolutely - without doubt - support their right to do what they are currently doing. If you study church history there are many examples of change within the church coming "from the bottom up". In fact, all through all kinds of history, change nearly always comes from the bottom.That's fairly common knowledge.

What I cannot understand is the nasty vehemence that is literally being spewed at this group and at anyone who supports them. I am truly baffled by this. Do these people belong to the same church I do??? I just can't wrap my mind around telling someone to "just deal with it" or "why don't you just leave the church?" Leave the church? Really?

So. In a gospel where we preach that we are brothers and sisters, that we are all children of God, that our singular purpose is to make our way back to our Father in Heaven, to help each other on that path and live together forever.... an acceptable reaction is "just leave the church?"

To me the idea is to study and to learn where people are coming from. If you love someone and you believe in this gospel - you meet them where they are. You find a way to bridge the gap between you. You do NOT eject them. You do NOT reject that.

Ugh. I have to stop talking about that part. I'm getting so mad.

I will tell you some things I absolutely believe - Our church needs to make some changes. Women have more purpose than to make babies (aka more members of the church) and bring each other bread. We have more purpose than the roles we are given right now.

Here is a post my sister wrote for Rational Faiths: If the Sisters Should Have Faith to Heal... I love it because she references quotes and factual information. And those things absolutely back up the following change list.

I like the changes suggested here:

• Encourage partnership in marriage and eliminate the idea that husbands preside over their wives.
  
  
• Create parity in the Young Women and Young Men organizations through equivalent budgets, educational programs (leadership, career, and spiritual training,) and activities (sports, service, and outdoor events).
  
  
• Balance the stories and images of boys and men in church publications, talks, and other media with stories and images of girls and women.
  
  
• Invite women in Church leadership positions to speak and pray during General Conference in numbers equal to the participation of men.
  
  
• Encourage leaders to use gender-inclusive language whenever possible.
  
  
• Recognize that girls and boys, women and men are equally responsible for appropriate sexual behavior, and avoid reducing morality to sexuality, and modesty to a preoccupation with women’s and girls’ clothing.
  
  
• Instruct bishops to refrain from asking Church members probing questions about sexual practices and experiences.
  
  
• Call women to perform pastoral counseling, particularly for women and girls who have been sexually abused.
  
  
• Choose a General Relief Society Presidency and General Board that reflect the diversity of viewpoint and circumstance in the Church, and establish frequent meetings between the First Presidency and the General Relief Society Presidency.
  
  
• Include the Stake Relief Society President in Stake Presidency meetings, and appoint women to meet with the High Council.
  
  
• Delegate more expansive supervisory authority to the Stake and Ward Relief Society, Young Women, and Primary presidencies, including approval of personnel, programs, and activities.
  
  
• Include women among stake and ward leaders who hear evidence and offer judgment in Church disciplinary councils.
  
  
• Include the local Relief Society president in all bishopric meetings, and rotate the planning of Sacrament services among the Relief Society president and members of the bishopric.
  
  
• Examine all Church positions to determine whether they can be filled without regard to gender.
  
  
• Appoint women as presidents of Church universities and heads of administrative departments.
  
  
• Expand hiring practices in the Seminaries and Institutes of Religion and within the religion departments at Church universities to provide women the same placement, advancement, and tenure opportunities as men.
  
  
• Call young women as well as young men to serve missions at the same age and for the same length of time, and afford women the same opportunity as men to function as district leaders, zone leaders, and assistants to the president.
  
  
• Lift the prohibition on women's participation in the blessing of their children.
  
  
• Change temple marriage policies so that men and women have equal opportunity to be sealed to their second spouses after they are widowed or divorced.
  
  
• Consider further wording changes to temple ceremonies and ordinances such that both men and women make the same covenants and enjoy the same promises.
  
  
• Recognize women as witnesses for baptisms and marriage sealings.
  
  
• Restore the former institutionally-accepted practice of women giving blessings of healing and comfort.

So there. I stand behind that list. And I stand behind my sisters who are trying to make the changes - peacefully, correctly, kindly trying to make the changes. They are brave and amazing. Especially in the face of so much unkindness. My thoughts and prayers will be with them as they travel to SLC (from near and from across the ocean!) to stand peacefully outside of the priesthood session. I will be watching. I will be praying. I wish I could be there to lend my support in person!

I also really love this post: I Am My Sister's Keeper. I say amen to that post. I *am* my Sister's Keeper and they are my sisters.

And my prayer will include this post: Listen. Please please Listen.

October!

I feel a sense of excitement at the beginning of October. From this point forward the year seems to go by so fast! Football season is in full swing. Kids are in school. Life is churning along (unless you work for the government today. That's another story...).

And the planning is beginning. I love and dread that part. I have Birthday List (Leah) going and Christmas Lists - stockings and presents. The girls and I already went shopping and got all their Halloween costume stuff. They're such fun little girls.

Although they wanted to choose things from Monster High and I had to put the smack down on that. Ugly and expensive? No.

I just remembered I forgot to check on my fantasy football team this week. Crap. What if I had Bye Week players on? Oops. *Update - I checked my team. Sure enough there was a bye week player. In comforting news it wouldn't have won me the match to have switched with my benched player. I lost by 6 points. If I'd switched I would have lost by 2.5 points. Lame. Ready for next week now though!

Anyway - as we were. Yay fall! Bring on the (gluten free, corn free, peanut free) pumpkin treats! Bring on the Halloween to celebrate our love of candy (I'm such a good diabetic!). Bring on the food abundance of Thanksgiving! Bring on the love and joy and fun and family of it all! And then bring on Christmas! The fun joy and excitement of Christmas. I love getting to be at my mom's house for Christmas break. The relaxed feeling of getting to be with people who get me & know me. Wonderful stuff.

However - feel free to mourn with me about the fact that we have a chance of snow on Friday. Wyoming - Yay? Leah is really excited though. And watching her excitement  about anything is always fun.

Fall in Wyoming:

I put "Fall in Wyoming" into google images. This was a result. That's the truth right there.

Do you love Fall? What are your favorite parts?

Make it stop

This isn't happening

Just NO.

I bought tiny bras today. Definitely not for me. For another girl who lives in my house.

Save me.

Cat Love Problems

This weekend I was in Pet Smart. In these stores my children suddenly believe we are in a zoo and we must walk the store looking for every animal there is to see.

I save the corner with the cats for last. Always.

Why?

Well, I love cats - really really really love - and I'm always hopeful I can rush the children through the last bit and we won't dwell on the cats.

If we dwell... I love. And it's very hard for me to walk away.

So we've made our way around to the cats. I remind the girls not to tap on the glass and immediately the cat in front of me starts rubbing against the glass trying to get me to pet him. Pet Smart doesn't have any way for you to actually touch the cats without asking (Petco does - just FYI) so I couldn't pet him. I start reading his information. Sigh.

He was FREE. WTH! I start looking around. There are 4 adults cats. They are all black or black and a few patches of white. All adults. FREE.

Black cats are the hardest to find homes for because people believe some archaic superstitions about the blackness of cats. Stupidity.

So they're doing a little marketing. Reminding people that black cats are not scary or a curse and giving them away.

So I stood there looking at these cats. Seeing the markdowns. $10.00 was crossed out and FREE written over it. And I started to cry.

I'm such a baby. Cry. Cry. Cry.

No one would adopt them at $10.00!?!? Kick  me in the gut.

If my children were not both allergic to cats, I would have left with two cats. Without doubt.

I love my dogs, I really do. But I am definitely a cat person.

A cat person with cat-allergic children. Oh the irony.

If you have a home for a cat, go get one. Go in any shelter (or your local Pet Smart and see if they are giving them away for free too!) specifically request a black cat. They'll be pleased and you'll have my undying gratitude. 

UC Berkley Study: Black cats have bad luck getting adopted

The Spirit of God Dwells Here

I was thinking earlier about all the elitism I hear at church, out in the world, among all religions, etc. It always makes me ragey and sad. It shouldn't be done. This scripture has come to me over and over again:

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Oddly that doesn't seem to mention a specific religion. It doesn't say two or three Mormons. It doesn't say two or three Baptists. Catholics, Methodists, Born Agains, etc. Heck it doesn't even say which name. Heavenly Father, God, Jesus, Eloheim, Allah, El Shaddai, Yahweh, Adonai, Jehovah... (that's all I have off the top of my head lol)

My idea? Stop assuming your religion has the corner on having God pay attention to them.

That is all. 

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nakedpastor/

Picture Day

Is it okay for me to say I hate picture day?

It's expensive and the pictures are never as good as I wish because Leah is s shy with new people.

But if I don't get them Leah is sad because she feels left out. I can't stand that. So I spend the money and get the photos of my shy child. 

And... I'm going to visit my mom today and Leah won't let us leave early. Stupid picture day :p

PS Drew took that picture with his phone. Then I messed with it in an editor. Still cuter than  her school pictures usually are.

Taking back my blog!

Dear People of the World*,

There are actually reasons why my blog died. When previously asked I blamed it on Hannah. She was a baby, blah blah blah. But I blogged all through Leah's babyhood...

So here's what really happened:

My husband's family - specifically my FIL - said some rude things to Drew about my blog. I was really really hurt. He told my husband that "everyone" had discussed it and they all didn't like my blog. Who is everyone? He wouldn't say.

My heart was broken. I couldn't believe people who had been my family for so many years, didn't comment on my blog ever (so I assumed they didn't read it) could be discussing my blog and all it's negative qualities as a clan? I cried. My husband comforted me. But in his family they don't discuss these things to your face. So it was over from that point. Drew did bring it up and try to find out who but his Dad wouldn't tell him anything. So I was just left to assume it was everyone. 

From that point on I posted nothing of any depth. Pictures. Mostly about food. A surface post every now and then.

Later a commenter on my blog complained that I was only posting about food.

Done. That's it. I couldn't take any more at that time. There was too much on my plate.

But why? Why did I hand over and retreat from my little section of the internet because there are unkind people connected to me?

I refuse to continue with this. 

So here are my new rules:

You don't like me? Don't read my blog.
You don't like what I post about? Don't read my blog.
You don't like me and you're using it for fodder in your conversations about me? I DO NOT CARE.

I've been trying for 16 years to be reserved enough for this extended family but it won't ever be enough. Because guess what? I'm NOT. There's nothing mild about me. I have opinions. About EVERYTHING.

Even at that - I love to discuss them. I'll listen to what you have to say. Heck I might even change my mind! As long as you're discussing it like an adult there is absolutely a chance I haven't heard information you're offering. I might push back. I might ask questions but I'll listen too.

So there you have it. When I think of topics to blog about - I will come blog about them.

I'm in the middle of a "faith crisis" as it is called. I'm researching church (LDS/Mormon) history and I'm shocked and appalled at some of the things I'm finding. Things that aren't taught in our Sunday School Manuals at church.

I have been fairly open about it and now my husband's family is mad at me for that too. There is a movement right now called Ordain Women. Because I have been studying old history I've learned that women used to give blessings, some women were even ordained. There were Prophetess and Priestesshood. Where did it all go? I don't have any idea. So I see why these women have organized. They are asking the church to discuss it. They're peaceful, using proper channels for each thing, etc.

They're being portrayed as picket sign holding crazies. It's infuriating. Read people. READ. Find out the truth instead of using some random blog post as proof of the issues. Go to Ordain Women. Read the purpose and then judge for yourself. If you disagree, disagree! But don't lie. Don't say they're out holding picket signs. Don't portray them as awful church members or apostates. It isn't TRUE.

At any rate, I voiced my disagreement on facebook and a SIL decided to hide all her information from me, do a status and talk about how her children needed protected from "some people". I could quote it for you here but that's a bit of an invasion of privacy. Why do I know? She didn't hide it from MY HUSBAND or even all our other mutual friends. Seriously? Fail. Unless the point was to make sure I knew but also hurt me? I have no idea.

And I don't care. I wasn't rude in my disagreeing. I stated factual information. But now I'm a danger to children.

Awesome.

For me this is the final straw. I'm done attending family events. I'm done trying to be a part of something that doesn't want me. If  you can't love me for who I am... *shrug* Why should I shrink who I am to fit into something? I don't want to and I'm tired of feeling shamed for who I am.

Heavenly Father made me too. And I think I'm glorious. Am I perfect? No. Have I done things they haven't liked? I'm sure I have but since we don't talk about things in that family. I have no clue what they are. Have I made mistakes? You betcha. Maybe this blog post is even one of them.

But at this moment I don't care. I'm done with this. If you don't like me - go away. I got enough to deal with on a day-to-day basis. I have fibromyalgia pretty badly these days. Some days it's hard to just manage myself and my girls and Drew - and let's be real, sometimes all I manage is making sure the girls don't go to bed hungry. I don't have room for struggling with people who want me to be someone else.

And making this choice? I feel SO MUCH LIGHTER. It's like lifting a weight off of me. And that is priceless.

This is my blog. The End.

*That's dramatic right? And a bit grandiose. Heh. It's been so long are there even 3 people still checking my blog??

Gluten Free Pudding Brownies

These brownies are dairy-free, wheat-free, soy-free, corn-free, low-fat, egg-free, high in fiber & protein... I'm sure there is more but that should do.

They are an adaption of these: IBS Brownies - which were not wheat free. I've had IBS longer than I've been gluten free. I used to eat those brownies and just love them but it's been a long time. I decided it was time to have them again!

These are rich and decadent. You will not eat them and feel as if you are missing anything at all!

Ingredients
1 cup sugar, divided
1/4 cup garfava flour
2 TB sorghum flour
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp arrowroot starch*
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp tapioca starch/flour
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, divided
2 tsp baking powder**
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 cup oil (I used a mix of olive and canola I had on hand)
1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk***
1 tbsp ground cacao powder**** (optional)
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup boiling water

Directions
Preheat over to 350F. Spray an 8-inch or 9-inch pan with cooking spray.

Whisk together the dry batter ingredients (2/3 cup sugar, the flours, salt, 1/4 cup cocoa, baking powder, and cinnamon) until blended thoroughly. Add the oil, almond milk, and vanilla. Stir until you form a stiff batter. Spoon the batter evenly into the pan you have prepared.

In a small bowl combine remaining 1/3 cup sugar and 1/4 cocoa. Whisk together. Sprinkle on top of batter in an even layer.

Dissolve cacao powder into the boiling water. Pour over the batter. DO NOT STIR.

Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until the top is brownie crackled and crisp. Serve Warm! When you cut the brownies, take the piece and flip it upside down onto a plate. Instantly your brownie has a warm chocolate-y sauce. Delicious.



 Enjoy!


*If you are not concerned about being corn-free you could absolutely use corn starch here. 

**If you ARE concerned about it being corn free, make sure your baking powder doesn't contain corn starch. If you don't have that or are unable to find it you can use this substitution: 1/2 tsp cream of tarter, 1/4 tsp baking soda, 1/4 tsp arrowroot or tapioca.

***If you would like for these to be tree nut-free just use rice milk! It works just as well in this recipe. I even had one friend make them for me when I was sick years ago. She didn't have rice milk and tried them with just water. They were still delicious. Perhaps slightly less rich.  

****You could use instant coffee. Decaffeinated would be best as the original recipe calls for. I do not drink coffee so I used the delicious cacao powder. Either way it is optional.